Carrianne

Nevermore.

[Ryan @mjkspeaks]

I hate it when someone exaggerates while I'm doing a hundred things at once.

[Ryan @mjkspeaks]

[phone call]

you have a call from..

MOM DON'T HANG UP MY LIFE IS NOT A WRECK -an inmate at the county jail. to accept this call press 1

[Gordon @MisterBombay]

I like how Dr. Oz wears scrubs on his show like he may have to fucking operate

[Gordon @MisterBombay]

It feels good to mean something to someone.

Just make sure you also mean something to yourself.

[Fly J @FlyJ_]

The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.

[♤ Ｎ 🦂 ♟🥨 @cynicalblubird]

There are people and places that become a part of you
Forever and always.

[Matt @mattgallo123]

Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I'm not drinking.

[Carrianne @carriannef]

If I could spend my life sleeping I'd be happy

[protolalia @protolalia]

I enjoy complaining to new parents about how my cat always wakes me up if I nap too long.

[DevilryFun @DevilryFun]

Sometimes I feel I don't belong here.

Me, every day, everywhere.

[Bʀɪᴀɴɪᴀᴄ® @BGH70]

In high school I was voted, "Most likely to continue existing… probably"

[orange shirt guy @awkwardphilippe]

"Are you proud of all your achievements?"

[flashback to that time I flipped the pillow to get 20 seconds of cool pillow]

Yes.

[marc @bighandsmassuer]

The first person who said congratulations at wedding really set a trend

I'm pretty sure they were been sarcastic

[David Hughes @david8hughes]

[calls neighbour]
Me: you've had my lawnmower for over a week
Neighbour [solemnly]: my son went missing
Me: did he take my fucken lawnmower

[♠️ James ♠️ @pplwtching]

It's cute how I buy a bag of sweet and salty mix instead of a bag of m&m's

Then eat the candy and throw away the nuts.

[Reverend Scott @Reverend_Scott]

how to impress ur friends:

1. roll up in ur Ferrari

2. no, not a Honda

3. wow that's rusty

4. why's it 4 colors?

5. um, just drive away