SaltyMouse

[SaltyMouse @MouseSalty]

me: what are you doing

lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me

prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]

lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail

[paperwash© @PaperWash]

I JUST PAYED $75 TO WAIT IN A TWO HOUR LINE @Blizzard_Ent I HOPE YOURE EXTENDING THE BETA FOR AN EXTRA DAY

[SaltyMouse @MouseSalty]

me: I wish to be able to drink responsibly

genie: you mean like buying higher quality IPA LOL

me: [folding arms] GENIE! LOL

[8 beers later]

genie: but seris...[burp]... seriously let's go dig up that dead [hiccup] body you were talking about

[SaltyMouse @MouseSalty]

writer: it's about two adventurers discovering lost treasure

Disney executive: are there two young people kissing?

writer: I don't see how-

2nd Disney executive walks in: did someone say "two young people kissing"?

[SaltyMouse @MouseSalty]

executive: we want you to play a portly, anxiety ridden space professor

Leonardo DiCaprio: can I do it sexy?

executive: no you can't do it s-

execute 2: [covers executive's mouth] yes absolutely

[SaltyMouse @MouseSalty]

for Christmas I'm getting everyone in my family extended car warranties

[SaltyMouse @MouseSalty]

The best part about the winter is that you can you leave your baby in the car when you go shopping and it won't over heat

[SaltyMouse @MouseSalty]

THE ALIENS WON'T MAKE CONTACT UNTIL THE PANDEMIC IS OVER PLEASE GET VACCINATED!

[SaltyMouse @MouseSalty]

Ikea said "let's sell meatballs and bookshelves" and it worked

[Adrenalin @adrenalindenver]

A holiday classic!

[SaltyMouse @MouseSalty]

if you throw olives at the people on stage and say "SORRY THIS IS MEANT TO BE PEACEFUL" they can't kick you out

[SaltyMouse @MouseSalty]

The rich are selling us their mockery lol lmao

[SaltyMouse @MouseSalty]

they should have dragged the Grinch into town and publicly hung him then left his body there all week as an example to anyone else who had any bright ideas about ruining Christmas

[SaltyMouse @MouseSalty]

@bewgtweets

[SaltyMouse @MouseSalty]

@bewgtweets In an alternate universe, when Thanos snapped he accidentally doubled the universe's population *cue the Curb Your Enthusiasm music*

[SaltyMouse @MouseSalty]

@jak3saysthings @PaperWash The Catholic Church and athletes

[SaltyMouse @MouseSalty]

Job: [praying] please Lord, please protect my family and land and my health

[the next day]

God: [texting the next day at 2:37pm] sorry lol I just woke up 🥺

[SaltyMouse @MouseSalty]

if your lawyer takes bathroom selfies, you're going to jail

[SaltyMouse @MouseSalty]

*any "Best Of" list on the internet*

*1st comment* I can't believe [insert esoteric title from any genre] didn't make this list!

[SaltyMouse @MouseSalty]

cop: [slams fist] roll over!

dog: [flicks cigarette] alright fine, Big Tony has a shipment coming in tonight

cop: [squints eye] good boy

[SaltyMouse @MouseSalty]

@SaddestCowboy_ @PaperWash It's ALWAYS A CHOICE

[SaltyMouse @MouseSalty]

me: hey bud, you gunna finish your veggies

6 year old: no

me: lol well you need to choose between that and not watching TV

6 year old: I choose VIOLENCE