mushich @mushich_ - Twitter Profile

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over 1 year ago

2021 I burn everything I create. My art is a mirror of my self-hatred. For 30 years, I believed that hating, blaming, and humiliating myself was the right thing to do—because anything that wasn’t humility and submission was sinful and brought harm to others. ••• I remember how, in the mid-90s, my grandmother started going to some church (I think it was a cult) and bringing back "righteous Christian books." They were fairly well-drawn comics, depicting scenes from worldly life and their moral lessons from the perspective of strict Christianity. She told me I had to learn wisdom from these books—and I didn’t mind, really. We had only two TV channels, one of which was entirely filled with Russian news, mostly covering the war in Chechnya, car bombings of oligarchs, and the heroin and AIDS epidemic. I preferred consuming something that didn’t show rivers of blood and severed body parts. Reading those books, I quickly came to realize that all my desires were sinful and that my imperfections deserved punishment. I remember a series of stories that glorified self-flagellation, teaching that to avoid going to hell, one must take up this righteous practice. Well, I was 5 or 6 years old—so, of course, I listened. I tore my skin, hit myself with objects on my back, arms, and legs, condemning my sinfulness and humiliating my own existence, which was drowning in desires (and my dreams were truly sinful—a can of Coke on a hot summer day, a two-cent chewing gum, not to mention a LEGO set). These newfound beliefs were perfectly reinforced by my grandmother’s ideas of the "righteous person"—a person I was clearly never destined to become. However, striving for it was sacred, and around this time, I began my successful career as a master of self-destruction... For roughly 75% of my life, the foundation of my ideology was self-contempt—viewing myself as something so repulsively flawed that I was genuinely surprised I was still alive (even though I clearly didn’t deserve to be). ••• Yet, inside me, there was some strange, unknown force that resisted this externally imposed narrative. To this day, I am in awe of the power and might of that force—because nothing in this world has ever managed to break my deep, intrinsic dream to live and to reach the greatest heights. This battle between "good" and "evil" still rages within me. The fight between "I am an absolute nothing" and "I deserve to live happily" is especially evident in my art—particularly in my music. I completely burned down my 2020-2021 music project, Brooklyn Hills. You probably won’t find these songs online—I made sure of that. Releasing new songs or visual works that have been sitting on my hard drives for years is an agonizing struggle for me. In the past 3-4 years, I’ve recorded around 70-80 songs. I’ve created about 100 visual pieces in that time. I love many of them, but most will likely die with me. But if I’m lucky, my "light side" might win a few battles—and I’ll manage to move forward, releasing at least some of my work. For now, I’ve won one of the bloody battles with my Antagonist, and I’m releasing a small fragment of a music video we shot in the fall of 2021 in Volgograd... Rhetorical question: should I release the full version of this video?

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