lili

body goals: decomposing

[lili @myg49]

i gotta shoot myself in the head man this is so fucking stupid

[lili @myg49]

and the real kicker is that even if someone were to reach out and check in on me i would just deflect. i wouldn’t be able to allow myself to be cared for because then my brain won’t have this to complain about anymore. i let myself wallow in misery because i need it

[lili @myg49]

my unmedicated bpd will kill me sooner rather than later probably

[lili @myg49]

if i ever stopped masking and let someone see the half of the bullshit that goes through my head in regards to interpersonal relationships and the fact that i’m fucking incapable of maintaining them, i’d be shunned. why am i fucking wired like this.

[lili @myg49]

if no one reaches out to tell me they love me that must mean that they don’t

[lili @myg49]

but that’s fucking stupid of course my friends love me. why do i need to be explicitly told every five minutes that they’re not gonna leave me and they don’t hate me and they love me. why do i always feel guilty for wanting to feel loved. i should be alone forever tbh

[lili @myg49]

on second thought that’s not true i’m just too scared to reach out. i want the reassurance so desperately, i want to be told that im loved and someone sees me and cares for me and i want to be held. but i would never dare ask. i feel so stupid. i feel so lonely

[lili @myg49]

i’m so fucking sad and so alone and i don’t want to reach out to anyone for a multitude of reasons but it’s killing me

[lili @myg49]

got too drunk on accident which made me rly nauseous and it triggered my emetophobia and bulimia simultaneously

[lili @myg49]

and of course it was fucking miserable all the time and i felt pathetic and disgusting and i was in pain and whatever. but it gave me so much comfort to be able to lean on it as a way to cope whenever i needed it. i don’t wanna go back but god i do

[lili @myg49]

i don’t even particularly miss bingeing, it didn’t curb anything, it was only ever just to make a purge feel worth it. i just fucking miss making myself throw up and how much that made me feel in control. doesn’t matter that i actually wasn’t, it felt so real

[lili @myg49]

and i miss how easy it was to hurt myself in that way, purging can be so violent and that would really help with keeping the tension lower and satisfy most self harm urges. and i know that first purge after such a long break would work SO well fuck fuck i miss it so much

[lili @myg49]

i completely ruined my gastrointestinal system so a lot of the time i tell when i’m actually hungry and those are some of the hardest moments to withstand bping bc it wouldn’t matter if i’m actually hungry, i could just eat anyway bc im gonna throw it up no matter what

[lili @myg49]

but now i feel bad and nauseous and i don’t know if it’s because im hungry and then i have to decide if it’s worth it to eat or not and there’s so many more fucking decisions to make when back then i could just binge and purge. it was so much easier

[lili @myg49]

i haven’t purged in nearly 130 days and i’m desperately waiting for a point in time where it gets easier ? i miss it so much, and i KNOW i was miserable too while bping but now im STILL miserable just in a different way and with one less coping mechanism.. what a fucking scam

[cav empty @cavempty_]

if you isolate for long enough you start becoming more and more transparent until people can’t see you and objects phase right through your fingers and you can’t grab hold of anything ever again

[lili @myg49]

like what’s the damn hold up omg

[lili @myg49]

i wish i had the courage to finally kill myself

[lili @myg49]

im so hopeless bro LMAO i’m turning 30 next month and i have nothing to show for it. i have to actively try every day to not harm or kill myself meanwhile everyone around me is buying a fucking house or getting married or having children or traveling the world. i feel insane

[lili @myg49]

2 1/2 years later and my insurance is only 20ish sessions away from blocking me from therapy again and i’m once again terrified for my life bc i know damn well i’m quite literally unable to survive without professional help but the german healthcare system doesn’t give a shit

[lili @myg49]

happy new year i’m fucking FINALLY going back to therapy next month