Emilio

I was the kicker...now I just kick

[Emilio @mystepdadbeatme]

A story in two parts

[Andrew Guttenberg @guttenbirder22]

Get your four thirstiest friends and go to @Lowes right away

[Mia @boygrrI]

my shooters like snails move slow but slime regardless

[Rock @TheCensoredRock]

Me getting escorted out of Chili’s after 12 frozen margs and putting $20 worth of Staind on the TouchTunes

[Michael Scimbobulous, CFA @ScrimboSaggins]

A man cannot shit in the same pants twice… for they are not the same pants and he is not the same man

[🪩🎲🍒 @expired_grl]

maybe your cat is meowing bc it wants a cigarette

[J. Jonah Jameson @JustthefactsJJ]

Time I address the elephant in the room…..There I was, trying to enjoy a Mets game like a normal American. And who shows up sitting behind me? THAT WALL-CRAWLING MENACE! And what is he doing? Save the city? OH NO!!! SITTING IN PREMIUM SEATS PROBABLY PAID FOR BY MY TAX DOLLARS!!!

[playful peter @w0rldmap]

Finished wordle, crossword, connections, spelling bee, strands and sudoku. Time to go to the liquor store

[nov* @DRACOWORLDORDER]

Goku

[sam @samwell_gnarly_]

Houston begs the question what if a city was not walkable or driveable and you also want to kill yourself

[Drew Garrison @DrewGarrison]

A golfer isn’t responsible for a broken window at a house on the course.

Don’t let anyone tell you differently.

[bart @soxbart]

The bullpen immediately after benches clear

[bean smoothie™ @beansm00thie]

plan A is to lock in, plan B is to blow my shit smoove off

[Rock @TheCensoredRock]

Me getting kicked out of Applebee’s after 12 Dollaritas and putting $20 worth of Limp Bizkit on the TouchTunes

[Dyylas @DylanDyylas]

time skipped too far back in pokopia

[HokutoNoTism (TAL) @kenshirotism]

They sell us their poison (99 beer cases)

And deny us the cure (100 beer cases)

[bone @boneGPT]

i used to be against war but ever since they added sports betting on missile strikes i've matured

[Celina 52 Truck Stop @celinatruckstop]

In honor of Martin Luther King Jr. Day, we have removed the urinal dividers so customers of all colors can pee side by side, hand in hand (if you'd like) in harmony just as Dr. King probably wanted.

Celina 52 is fully committed to doing what's right as long as it's convenient and requires minimal effort.

[Carter Donnick @CDonnick1]

Body’s not even cold yet and they’re snatching that 17 off Danny