call me al

retired niche internet celebrity. just here to support the e girls now

[ًً @stoyatel]

just saw an absolute fucking chad on my timeline

[Joseph 🕊️ @CaudilloXIV]

I’m sorry liver but daddy can still remember her smile

[tomie @tomieinlove]

Dating is so easy man

[𝔽eral ℙawg ℍunter @FeralPHunter]

i dont expect a woman to sleep with me if i buy her dinner but i do expect her to laugh at my jokes, which is probably worse

[J @journaladjacent]

Boyfriends jerk off when you’re not around because they hate you and they want you to die. He’s beating it to the idea of you perishing in a terrible accident. And when he envisions himself as finally free. That’s when he busts

[Lewis Spears @LewSpears]

This is your bodies signal to sink 2000 hours into turn based strategy games

[call me al @nobatsplease]

What’s the downside of ai satisfying all my wife’s erogenous zones? Sex doesn’t exist as a jobs program

[Noah Smith 🐇🇺🇸🇺🇦🇹🇼 @Noahpinion]

What's the downside of AI discovering all the math that can possibly be discovered? Math doesn't exist as a jobs program for IMO gold medalists.

[Liam Gallagher @liamgallagher]

@lettpoupette There are some seriously stunning individuals from the working class just like myself

[Cultaholic Wrestling @Cultaholic]

Kevin Nash has urged WWE stars to unionise and join SAG-AFTRA following TKO pay cuts.

"You can’t have it both ways. You can’t play Endeavor at the top with the 300% increases and 1099 the dock workers… If they’re going to play by those rules, let the boys play by the same rules.

"Go through Screen Actors Guild. They’ll be more than happy to take their cut of your money. It won’t be 50%, but it’ll change the ball game. Take one of the programs that’s written down and you tell me that that program isn’t more heavily written and more produced than Curb Your Enthusiasm was when all those actors got SAG paid."

(Source: @KliqThisPodcast)

[syp🦖🍉 | playing too many games @lesbianwylder]

alternatives to good boy/girl you can call your nonbinary partner:

- chosen undead
- bearer of the curse
- ashen one
- good hunter
- tarnished

[call me al @nobatsplease]

I think it’s probably impossible to love something as much as Hendrix loved Dylan. Every cover is dripped with such love and respect

[Papii🥤 @ammalusty]

doctor: are you sexually active?
me: no I usually just lie there
doctor (writing in my chart): effortlessly witty.... and quite beautiful, I might add

[river ໒꒱ @lucypaulluvrr]

cheating is morally correct if it’s with your soulmate

[Bovril-Gesellschaft @BovrilG]

God I need this so bad

[call me al @nobatsplease]

Not to get too personal on this account , but I feel like the majority of my relationships viewed me this way

[hot_cocoa_girl @hot_cocoa_girl]

Is it bad that I don’t care what man I’m with I just want him to play the role properly for the next 60 years

[call me al @nobatsplease]

Meeting with hr today because I said “yeah, I think Bojack horseman’s okay. I like the animal puns”