nonlinearmind

I'm the guy with the gas mask. It's for your protection, not mine. My dog tweets at @nonlineardog. She wanted me to plug that.

[nonlinearmind @nonlinearmind]

Today my mom informed me that I was conceived during the monotony of the Nixon impeachment hearings.

I’ve spent the day researching and confirming the math, while trying not to throw up in my mouth.

[nonlinearmind @nonlinearmind]

@realDonaldTrump 15 feet of wall up, only 10,560,000 more feet to go!

[nonlinearmind @nonlinearmind]

The game Pac-Man could be described as a game about a round, yellow shopper trying to avoid 4 sales associates.

[nonlinearmind @nonlinearmind]

I think a couple of hornets are building a nest behind my driver’s side mirror. I’m allowing it for now, as I consider it a carbon offset for my fossil fuel use.

[nonlinearmind @nonlinearmind]

Trump obviously wants tanks at today’s parade to show the world the military might he can wield and then decide to call off at the last minute.

[nonlinearmind @nonlinearmind]

Apple finally did it... they came out with a Mac that is impossible to dust.

[nonlinearmind @nonlinearmind]

@jonvoight You can tell he’s a great actor, because he says “Trump is the greatest president since Abraham Lincoln“ without laughing.

[nonlinearmind @nonlinearmind]

There’s a wasp in my car and I don’t have time to wait for it to leave. So I’m Ubering a wasp to Alexandria.

[nonlinearmind @nonlinearmind]

You know that movie Freaky Friday, where the mom and daughter switch places? You know what I think would be the hardest to get used to in that situation? The other person’s teeth.

[nonlinearmind @nonlinearmind]

Moments before the release of the Mueller Report and the news media are in a state that can best be described as fully engorged.

[nonlinearmind @nonlinearmind]

For most of its history, Notre Dame was lit with candles and managed not to burn down. Way to go millennials.

[nonlinearmind @nonlinearmind]

Tonight, Tiffany Trump is probably relieved she didn’t get involved with her father’s campaign… if she watches the news.

[nonlinearmind @nonlinearmind]

“John McCain was not a great man. I prefer men who aren’t dead.” -@realDonaldTrump

[nonlinearmind @nonlinearmind]

I passed by a sign that was advertising something with the slogan “The future is coming“.
I was like,“Well duh, it just did.“

[nonlinearmind @nonlinearmind]

Wildlife celebrates the Fourth of July like homeless people celebrate The Purge.

[nonlinearmind @nonlinearmind]

So HBO is coming out with an adaptation of Fahrenheit 451. My guess is that rather than burning books, the police will be raiding people’s houses and forcing them to remove the Kindle app from all their devices.

[nonlinearmind @nonlinearmind]

Alexa keeps losing a connection to the internet as I try to listen to Pearl Jam. I’d have better chance of hearing Pearl Jam through Ticketmaster than on Alexa.

[nonlinearmind @nonlinearmind]

Now we’ll get to see if Eagle fans also boo at the Super Bowl parade, or if they only reserve that sort of thing for Santa Claus.

[nonlinearmind @nonlinearmind]

. @realDonaldTrump loves making cute nicknames for people. The way things are shaping up, it might not be long till we’re calling him Donald Jailbird Trump.

[nonlinearmind @nonlinearmind]

The 3-10 Colts vs the 4-9 Broncos. Yawn. Ordinarily, horses this lame would be put down, not put on primetime. #tnf