Not Like Mike

Those without a sense of humor need not apply.

[Not Like Mike @not_like_mike]

@CoachVerdin People can't be both body positive and recognize that they have shortcomings. It has to be either/or. So when the math teacher can't explain multiplication it's a problem, but if the PE teacher struggles to get out of their chair it's completely off limits to bring up.

[Not Like Mike @not_like_mike]

@CoachVerdin It is a tough topic to broach in todays culture as we seem to be unable to differentiate between being accepting of where we are at physically from an emotional standpoint and understanding that there are always ways to improve.

[Not Like Mike @not_like_mike]

I can be an adult and still periodically check to see if I've developed mutant powers. The two are not mutually exclusive.

[Not Like Mike @not_like_mike]

Angel: Alright, next on the list for creation is the porcupine. What do you want to do here?
God: Give me a pillow with legs.
Angel: Ok.
God: Now make it hurt people if they touch it.
Angel: Wait, why would--
God: I said what I said.

[Not Like Mike @not_like_mike]

(insert tweet about how bad Coldplay is even though I sung along)

[Not Like Mike @not_like_mike]

If you ever lose a single sock keep the other. Soon enough you'll do it again and then boom! free pair of socks.

[Not Like Mike @not_like_mike]

I'm actually rather productive if you consider Wednesday the first day of the week.

[Rock @TheMichaelRock]

It's not really a random act of kindness if you planned it, photographed it, and posted it to social media.

[Not Like Mike @not_like_mike]

"After all, to the well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure." -Albus Dumbledore

[Not Like Mike @not_like_mike]

While I too mourn the loss of David Bowie, the subsequent flooding of my social media with scenes from 'The Labrynth' is my worst nightmare.

[Not Like Mike @not_like_mike]

Theon: My sword is yours, Robb, now and always.
[ten minutes pass]
Theon: I should take Winterfell.

[Kylie Brakeman @deadeyebrakeman]

2015:hey how's it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you've got an armed mili-
16:we've got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah

[Not Like Mike @not_like_mike]

The majority of my teenage years were spent searching for the song lyrics for an away message that truly conveyed my feelings at the time.

[Not Like Mike @not_like_mike]

Just realized Adele and Susan Boyle are different people so you may want to double check any fact I've ever told you about either of them.

[Not Like Mike @not_like_mike]

So you bought jeans with holes already in them? Yeah, let's set you up with a financial planner.

[Not Like Mike @not_like_mike]

I imagine having a child is kind of like having a drunk person not leave you alone for twenty years.

[Not Like Mike @not_like_mike]

My TSA agent was just singing 'Bombs Over Baghdad' while checking my backpack. There's no joke here. That's just something that happened.

[Not Like Mike @not_like_mike]

America on abortion: Every life is precious
America on refugees: FUCK THOSE GUYS

[Not Like Mike @not_like_mike]

America is getting a lecture about how offensive your Halloween costume is from a girl in a sombrero and a drawn on mustache.

[Not Like Mike @not_like_mike]

So you're just a special kind of monster, huh? https://t.co/WfFEIJDqmq

[Donald J. Trump @realDonaldTrump]

If the people so violently shot down in Paris had guns, at least they would have had a fighting chance.