Tan Bastard

World’s Pettiest Man. My tweets are like my children. I would die for them all.

[Nick Mullen @nycguidovoice]

A fat conservative bitch with an only fans named January Sixxx

[Tan Bastard @nottherealtomb]

I grab an Uber eats order off the porch like sunlight will burn my skin and I must get back inside

[Tan Bastard @nottherealtomb]

The Mets today: we signed this sick player for a long time and now our infield is super stacked

The Yankees today: hey we made this guy who hits a lot of home runs our official leader!

[Tan Bastard @nottherealtomb]

Half of the people in the weed store look like they just got off a bus in Atlantic City. How can these raggedy old people afford dispensary prices??

[Sam @TreIindor20]

If this is the end… Thank you James

[WardyNYM @TheWardyNYM]

Newest #Mets Fan & Wife, @KateUpton hates the #Phillies as much as we do. #LGM

[Tan Bastard @nottherealtomb]

Shout out to all fellow stoners with a lame family. Another thanksgiving of vaping in the bathroom during NFL commercial breaks

[Tan Bastard @nottherealtomb]

There’s 2 kinds of people in this world. People who catch the hibachi zucchini first try and people who miss it

[Tan Bastard @nottherealtomb]

If there is hate in your heart let it out! #LFGM

[Tan Bastard @nottherealtomb]

Watching the Mets about to choke the pennant with ESPN announcers really adds insult to injury

[mousey ᘛ⁠⁐̤⁠ᕐ⁠ᐷ @HIBlSCUS]

remember to leave out milk and cookies for george bush tonight ❤️

[Tan Bastard @nottherealtomb]

Watching the Mets pirates on YouTube TV is great because you get to see Pennsylvania political ads with Dr. Oz

[Kat @katttmurphy]

I will never ever venmo a bride a drink off of an Instagram story

[Tan Bastard @nottherealtomb]

Trevor may wins the “Get the Fuck Off My Team Award”

[Tan Bastard @nottherealtomb]

Put vogelbach in a Djais bouncer polo and you’d never guess he was a professional baseball player

[Tan Bastard @nottherealtomb]

Me and my brother just got on a “what if mr met was trans” riff at citi and I’m cackling

[Tan Bastard @nottherealtomb]

@dwayne1800x Nickelodeon in the wild 👀

[spannermurphy @spannermurphy]

On holiday in Croatia,nothing to see here ....

[Tan Bastard @nottherealtomb]

My life got so bad yesterday I picked up a book and started reading. You know how desperate and sad you have to be to pick up the self help book your mom got you for Christmas on the last day of June?