John Austin

Pen thief.

[John Austin @obviousjohn]

Time to write! 1 like = 1 idea for how time travel works. You provide the likes. I provide the ideas. Go! #amwriting https://t.co/9LSvNVVMd5

[John Austin @obviousjohn]

I always seem to pick the wrong day to log back on to Twitter.

[John Austin @obviousjohn]

I just called my wife’s Scottish shortbread “crumbly crust-cakes” and now I’m not allowed to have any more.

[John Austin @obviousjohn]

KEELY, age 9: Please help me revise this presentation for school.
RORY, age 13: [takes red pen, begins underlining]
KEELY: WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING

[John Austin @obviousjohn]

Hey, Twitter! How are ya? Exactly the same? Yep! Time to go to bed enraged again. 👍🏻

[John Austin @obviousjohn]

I may have to watch The Office after all.

[John Austin @obviousjohn]

I sincerely hope there's a scene in Ghostbusters: Afterlife where they reveal the Paul Feig film was the result of Venkman selling the movie rights to their story, and the cameos by the OG actors are actually him, Ray, Winston & Dana appearing due to contractual obligation.

[John Austin @obviousjohn]

I think it's time we blow this scene.

Get everybody and the stuff together.
.
.
.

Okay—
Three
Two
One
Let’s jam.

[John Austin @obviousjohn]

There is a pure kind of satisfaction in seeing your child do something properly before you have to tell them to.

[John Austin @obviousjohn]

@mental_floss Harry Potter.

[John Austin @obviousjohn]

ME: [singing] Can you imaaagiiiiine…how much I looooove yooooooouuu…oh, moo-moo-moo-mooooo…
KEELY: …Wait, what?
#moo

[John Austin @obviousjohn]

My brain: YOUR DID IT AGAIN WITH THE COFFEE
Me: Dude, I had to sleep—
Brain: YOU THINK THAT MATTERS TO ME YOU BEEN GIVIN ME IT EVERY MORNING FOR LIKE TWENTY YEARS AND NOW SUDDENLY YOU DONT DUDE I WILL MESS YOU UP
Me: Stop—yelling—
Brain: THIS IS WHAT YOU GET
#midnightshiftmadness

[John Austin @obviousjohn]

@Maximumrider217 @DecentFilms You are correct.

[John Austin @obviousjohn]

There's nothing quite so unnerving as picking up a book you're proud to have read when you were in school, looking carefully at the first chapter or so, and realizing You Never Really Read This Book The First Time And Things Would Have Gone Much Better For You If You Had.

[John Austin @obviousjohn]

Sometimes the clickbait article I'm reading will suddenly go completely blank partway through and won't refresh at all. Anybody know why this happens?
I don't want to fix it, I'd actually like it to happen earlier in the article.

[John Austin @obviousjohn]

@HistoryMuppet Caramba.

[John Austin @obviousjohn]

If the ready-made meal you're preparing doesn't have "Enjoy!" as the final instruction on the package, you've been fairly warned, I would say.

[John Austin @obviousjohn]

If I don't have an opinion on it now, it's a victory for the wrong side of history. 3/end
#residentialschools

[John Austin @obviousjohn]

When I was a kid, most of the people in my school didn't know that, elsewhere in our country, children were being pried away from their families and forced to either abandon their heritage or die. 1/

[John Austin @obviousjohn]

Of course we didn't know that. The people who did know would never have told us. We might have had an opinion on it, and that would run contrary to their goal, which was to quietly destroy an entire culture. 2/

[John Austin @obviousjohn]

…shocked and slightly embarrassed at the sight of Larry in a towel…