dirtyoldman

This is just a bunch of dumb stuff that comes out of my mouth every day, conversations with friends, and things I overhear. *Fair warning: it's mostly NC-17

[dirtyoldman @oldmanwagner]

Ok, so 1. Who would shit on a camera? 2. That's a dumpster, not a camera. 3. There's a porta-potty like...right there.

[dirtyoldman @oldmanwagner]

@joerogan a great, quick read about the woman who proved that the coelacanth wasn't extinct

[dirtyoldman @oldmanwagner]

"Nope, nope, nope. Put that shit in a dildo like batteries and fuck that!"

[dirtyoldman @oldmanwagner]

At this moment, I think America is the rest of the world's reality tv show☹️️

[dirtyoldman @oldmanwagner]

There are some people who are very wealthy and have lots of THINGS, and its more like they're valuing happiness as a future event ~B.Grazer

[dirtyoldman @oldmanwagner]

"I get it. You're a big pile of bloody mudslide. I'll leave you alone."

[dirtyoldman @oldmanwagner]

"You're words are like acid. Not the good kind...the kind you'd throw in someone's eyes to blind them."

[dirtyoldman @oldmanwagner]

"Dude, stop talking. Your two cents aren't worth six wet farts."😝

[dirtyoldman @oldmanwagner]

"Remind me to not drink coffee and then eat Thai food in succession." #poorchoices

[dirtyoldman @oldmanwagner]

"She was a nice enough lady, but...well, let's just say she wasn't gonna win any spelling bees."

[dirtyoldman @oldmanwagner]

For @amyschumer
The Strawberry Shortcake: When you cum in the girl's face, and then you punch her in the nose so it bleeds...so wrong😂😂😂

[dirtyoldman @oldmanwagner]

"Ugh. Spending time with you is like mixing orange juice and toothpaste...its just awful."

[dirtyoldman @oldmanwagner]

A lot of people still deserve a shopping cart into the side of their car. ~Billy West

[dirtyoldman @oldmanwagner]

😂😂😂 Don't worry, looking at you, I'm pretty sure getting married is the last thing you have to worry about!

[dirtyoldman @oldmanwagner]

"You need to sort your shit out. Drugs are only a patch. After drugs, you're always gonna need more drugs....you fuckin' dummy."

[dirtyoldman @oldmanwagner]

Overheard this gem at dinner:
"Well, y'know. You can't send a duck to a eagle school!"
...what the actual fuck?!

[dirtyoldman @oldmanwagner]

"Nothing is permanent in this wicked world. Not even our troubles."
~Charlie Chaplin

[dirtyoldman @oldmanwagner]

Whatever. Stop talking. All I hear is "Blah, blah, blah. I'm not the person you have sex with, so my opinion doesn't matter."

[dirtyoldman @oldmanwagner]

"Honestly, it's not you. The sound of ANYONE'S happiness is like a dagger to my face."

[dirtyoldman @oldmanwagner]

"It makes my butthole hurt in a weird way. I don't know why."
~on the subject of palmetto bugs