andré

not hot enough for insta, not funny enough for Twitter. she/ her.

[maggie lalley @magslals]

Some people are like I will stop at nothing and I’m like really? I would stop at a lot of things like for instance what if it’s difficult

[The Onion @TheOnion]

New NFL-Military Partnership Sends First 1,000 Fans To Stand For National Anthem Off To War https://t.co/XFYwgwyoGu

[Grace @gracecamille_]

*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid

[ELLɅ MɅCHINɅ @orchidcamp]

bro you are such a fucking delight to be around. i'm serious king!! you've got the most tender little heart dude. you've got the sweetest most nurturing spirit

[Will Manidis @WillManidis]

watching a woman calmly check her covid status (positive) on her laptop at balthazar with a dirty martini at 11am in the morning

[Soulja Boy @souljaboy]

Learn to say no without explaining yourself.

[soul nate @MNateShyamalan]

ticketmaster: there’s an $18 convenience fee every time you buy a ticket btw

me: oh. will it at least be convenient

ticketmaster: lmao no dude we’re gonna make it a fucking nightmare

[Guy Branum @guybranum]

Gossip strengthens my bones like calcium

[GoliathFan1952 @ByYourLogic]

death isn’t normal, part of life, or natural and we need to stigmatize people who die

[Kylie Brakeman @deadeyebrakeman]

having weird symptoms where I’ve been bad at exercise for 25 years do you think it’s COVID

[͏. @idonttrustdon]

this exactly how that one nigga be y’all know who i’m talking about

[RICO NASTY @riconasty]

Thankful for this as well . She hit every beat

[C H E L B! 🌭 @chelbb_]

This week is giving this energy

[rock and roll photos @yesitsmyaccount]

All evil in the world can be traced back to the use of cuss words

[addy!!🌿 @VEGGIES420]

danny devito voice

[wise latina @samanthprosser]

Hamilton is a 3-hour 30 Rock cutaway joke

[🎣 Bass Master 🔊 @TheRealMrTrees]

People will be like “nobody cares about your Spotify wrapped” and then post a picture of their baby

[Dan Wickes @dan_wickes]

I just found out a comedian I know finds it annoying how often I mention winning the 2021 Coney Island Comedy Festival. I on the other hand think it’s funny. And I know funny. It’s why I won the 2021 Coney Island Comedy Festival

[andré @on_dray_uh]

If I ever have a wedding I’m gonna send a group text on Thursday to like 75 people saying “weddings Saturday at 2 BYOB please bring a dish” then remove myself from the chat and just let the relatives go at it