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[Bugsy Sailor @BugsySailor]

Sunrise 1,583. These gales go out to you, Gordon Lightfoot.

[helena riley @freshhel]

I would pick anyone up from the airport even someone ugly or weird

[sally darr @sallydarr]

when I say I went on a fun date I mean that I am fun and he was just there with me

[1984’s George Whorewell @EwdatsGROSS]

Me after 3 vodka cranberries

[michaela okland @MichaelaOkla]

Feeling pure-hearted. Morally perfect. Uncorrupt. Secure attachment style. Soul is saved and sealed for heaven

[eat soup @jasminericegirl]

i'm about to "omg i've never seen that show want to watch it together" into some dick

[ellie schnitt @holy_schnitt]

I actually think having someone to flirt with when you’re a few drinks deep and not quite ready for bed yet should be an inalienable human right

[Pabst Blue Ribbon @PabstBlueRibbon]

we only sponsor people who can stick their whole fist in their mouth

[Ren Corbitt @Ren_Corbitt]

@stevanzetti This felt like the funniest side swipe until his name as a producer

[steven monacelli @stevanzetti]

Every accusation, a confession

[Yell in a War @jelenawoehr]

MEN WHO HATE WOMEN: here is my YouTube channel about hating women, my book explaining why women are inferior, and my $999 e-course on how to fuck more women

WOMEN WHO HATE MEN: I’m going out to the garden now. Tonight I’ll make a pie. I have not thought about a man in six years.

[trash jones @jzux]

i prefer giving people the hot shoulder (never leaving them alone)

[grant @TakeForGrantd]

just got kicked out of a Wisconsin bar for playing Barbie Girl 13 times in a row on the jukebox. Free speech is under attack in america

[REID POPE DUMB IDIOT @rpopetweets]

Stanley Yelnats:

[Patrick @PatrickCahiII]

@RottenInDenmark I think about this meme and laugh at least once a week

[Sarah Lazarus @sarahclazarus]

everyone I know with an IUD: love it! best decision of my life. also the insertion hurt so much that I passed out and saw god

[Cardi B @iamcardib]

Watching The Crown just shows you that you can be the queen of England or you can be the girl next door, we all got the same problems with men…stay safe

[April Clark @autogynefiles]

Your son was a pleasure to have in me