Ordinary Tim

the tallest man on Earth

[Ordinary Tim @ordinary_tim]

Why You Should Follow Me:

1. What have you got to lose?
2. You're, like, 90% of the way there
3. Make a new friend
4. Sometimes funny
5. Always Catholic
6. Buddy, I got nothing

7. Charity?

[Matt Swaim @mattswaim]

No pun here, just a Tupperware tub full of naked mole rats

[Matt Swaim @mattswaim]

The difference between a cheetah and letterhead is that one is the fastest land animal and the other is stationery

[John Ganz @lionel_trolling]

I have a solution to the opioid crisis: make actual opium rather than dangerous synthetic versions widely available; smoking opium with a lamp is far less dangerous than injection—this position is in no way related to my recent employment by the British East India Company

[🎭 @deepfates]

I've heard that there was a secret cord

[Ordinary Tim @ordinary_tim]

This is mime jr. erasure

[Touya! ★ @Touyarokii]

You can choose two of these baby Pokemon to have as a pet/friend irl, who do you choose?

[HIDEO_KOJIMA @HIDEO_KOJIMA_EN]

1/2
Director George Miller. In Japan, he is only known as the guy behind Mad Max. In the 90's, he revolutionized the video industry by using digital technology to add mouths and facial expressions to live action pigs in "Babe". Many copycat commercials and music videos were born.

[Ordinary Tim @ordinary_tim]

@bf_crane

[Brendan Fraser Crane @bf_crane]

My girlfriend isn’t like other girls. She loves football. She drinks beer with the boys. She’s afraid of birds. One time I lifted her shirt & saw her torso was full of straw. She shambled out of our cornfield last year & behind her was a trail of dead stalks leading to the center

[thucksgiving @TylerHuckabee]

Jesus said it’s easier for a camel to go through a needle’s eye than for a rich person to go to heaven so rich christians made up a fictional gate in israel called “the eye of the needle” that was just kinda small for camels and said he was talking about that. forever incredible.

[Ordinary Tim @ordinary_tim]

@bf_crane This is officially an "Urban gardening" tweet. Congrats, man

[Ordinary Tim @ordinary_tim]

@HiTechLoFi @meowsance @eddyburback Jesus gave thanks for unleavened bread. It ain't about the divinity of the meal but the gratitude with which we receive it.

[pulling on a revolving door to open it for a lady @guydebort]

you've gotta be fuckin kidding me

[Stuart Whomsley @Bossloper]

We currently have no Duke of Edinburgh, York or Sussex. I don’t want to alarm anyone but we are again exposed to Viking marauders on the Eastern flank. @donaeldunready

[Ordinary Tim @ordinary_tim]

We'll get it next year, My Good Tweetman

[Good King Tweetman @Goodtweet_man]

Another year of life shot to Hell. Good night.

[Asher Perlman @asherperlman]

🦄🦄

[Asher Perlman @asherperlman]

🧞‍♂️🐕

[Ordinary Tim @ordinary_tim]

On average, vending machines are more deadly than sharks; which is why I only fight sharks and not vending machines

[Brendan Fraser Crane @bf_crane]

Must say I’m starting to like Neil DeGrasse Tyson. Man has been staring down a 20 front barrage of hate this week, but has stuck to his principles & keeps tweeting stuff like “Rudolph’s nose would have as much light as a 2 watt bulb.” Tweets still suck but I admire the fortitude