I am a guy in my late 20s and my girlfriend and I have a good relationship overall. We also have a very active intimate life, usually daily, so there is no lack of closeness.
The thing I am struggling with is her porn use. She watches quite a lot, and the men she seeks out tend to look very different from me. I have an average athletic build. I know she is attracted to a broad range because she has dated guys more muscular than me and also leaner than me, so logically I know I fit within what she likes.
But emotionally I cannot seem to separate it. I have been working out, getting more toned, and I was finally starting to feel confident. Then seeing the type she watches just hits my self esteem. My mind gets stuck on, if you are attracted to me, why do you specifically choose to watch guys who look nothing like me?
I have tried to talk to her about it calmly. I get that porn is fantasy and does not always reflect what someone wants in a real partner. I do not want to be controlling.
For guys who have been through this, how did you stop the comparison spiral? Did you work through it internally, or is it reasonable to ask a partner to tone it down when it is clearly affecting your confidence and the relationship?
I just want to feel desirable and secure again.
Being disabled is wild because you can lose access to half your life and somehow there are still people more concerned about how inconvenient your disability is for them.