zoe barton

fellrunner with Glossopdale Harriers, Mother of Fox, enthuser, endurer

[zoe barton @peatpixie]

frozen blueberries can absolutely get into the sea

[zoe barton @peatpixie]

@phillColeman 🤣 just a deep cut beside my thumbnail fortunately

[zoe barton @peatpixie]

I was today years old when I discovered you can hurt yourself in nasty ways with a box-fresh emery board

[zoe barton @peatpixie]

Have managed to avoid news of mens and women's Paris Roubaix races. Ive a half day today.

😃

[zoe barton @peatpixie]

@northernassist any info on why the 0822 Glossop to Manchester isnt departing ? Driver says hes waiting for info. He's being very good with the updates but ... what's going on? Should I abandon my journey?

[Fesshole🧻 @fesshole]

To de-stress, I often imagine myself as a dragon who solves the worlds problems by eating the people I deem responsible for them. I imagine the taste to be disapponting but the texture pleasantly crunchy and vindictively satisfying.

[Fesshole🧻 @fesshole]

My husband annoyed me by demanding the clean dinner plates go in a certain order in the cupboard, so I stuck his toothbrush up my bum. Now I've given myself a terrible dischargey infection and it burns when I pee.

[zoe barton @peatpixie]

My neighbours are mint. Over at ours for a wee Christmas social last night and she put loads of plates in "to soak"
I made sure she had plenty of ex-MILs sloe gin

[zoe barton @peatpixie]

Completely out of tolerance for weekday mums smoking fags wearing dryrobes to the shops

[Fesshole🧻 @fesshole]

My mates and I have a WhatsApp chat group where we only post our own farts. The rules are that there can only be voice notes or videos of your fart and nothing else. Nothing brightens up a dull morning more than the sound of your mate's fart.

[Count Binface @CountBinface]

🚨NEW POLICY ANNOUNCEMENT🚨

All Evri executives to have their Christmas presents delivered by Evri, to see how they like it.

Love Christmas. Vote Binface.

[Kate @KittenHippy]

😂🤣😂

[zoe barton @peatpixie]

My dads family come from St Helens

[Fesshole🧻 @fesshole]

The town of St Helens is just between Liverpool and Manchester. When I was a small child, in Liverpool, Mount St Helens, in Washington, erupted. Not having a grasp of geography, I spent two weeks in mortal fear of dying in a volcanic eruption before my dad set me straight.

[Fesshole🧻 @fesshole]

Mid nature wee my toddler takes a dump in the dark on some grass. I can't find the poo so I got my torch out and a man turns his torch on offering to help asking what we have dropped while she shouts she's had a MASSIVE POO.

[zoe barton @peatpixie]

Adulting the very balls out of today ✨️

[zoe barton @peatpixie]

@Teebeebee21 Preach

[zoe barton @peatpixie]

When I am Queen, people who drive like wazzocks just bcs its raining, will be made to untangle mine and all my sisters jewellery

[Stig Abell @StigAbell]

The First World War miraculously produced all sorts of high culture. But every year on this day it is worth watching the ending of the greatest sitcom, which somehow managed to catch the tone of remembrance exactly, perfectly right.