perci

Let's not talk about it.

[perci @percisaurus]

My neighbor's having a rough morning. She's hit snooze like 5 times since 6am. I get it, it's a dry- shampoo-arrive-10-minutes-late-with-an-iced-coffee kinda day.

[perci @percisaurus]

I think the only thing I really miss about being a teenager is being flexible enough to scratch my own back.

[perci @percisaurus]

I'm so glad I'm not in the dating pool anymore. Some dude just slid up on my sister's snap story and said her hotness was like a hammer and he was a plate in a china shop. What does that even mean?

[perci @percisaurus]

I can always tell when someone stole their jokes from Tumblr. It's okay, I used to be super cringey and awful too.

[Melvin of York @MelvinofYork]

My bad, I thought you said you were telling me that WITH confidence, not IN confidence. Anyway your wife is pretty pissed

[perci @percisaurus]

I've reached the "I don't care WHO sees me pour these Cheez-It crumbs into my gaping mouth" level of not giving a crap.

[perci @percisaurus]

@ashtonbuckleyy Probably the fact that you think you can stop him.

[perci @percisaurus]

The worst thing my boyfriend has ever done is use MY shampoo instead of his own. Now I run out of shampoo so faster than conditioner and it's never going to sync up again and shower time is anarchy.

[Andrew Schiavone @aschiavone]

An ice cream truck was behind me in traffic and I pulled over to let it pass like it was ambulance

[perci @percisaurus]

It's funny how when you're running late to work every school bus, old person, and student driver within a 20 mile radius just happens to be going the same way as you.

[Shade 5 🎬 @Shader70]

In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.

[Dana DeArmond @danadearmond]

I hate when people say in dating profiles “about them” that they have nieces and nephews.
Like they can’t think of one interesting thing about themselves so they have to talk about their siblings fucking

[perci @percisaurus]

If PMS isn't sitting in your car after work, eating a crushed zebra cake while sobbing over cute kitten videos; I don't know what is.

[James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn @XplodingUnicorn]

Me: What Christmas movie do you want to watch?

5-year-old: Empire Strikes Back!

Me: That's not a Christmas movie.

5: It's an always movie.

[Alex "Tropical" Forrest 🚉🌴 @380kmh]

while u begged for treats I studied the blade

[SixStringTrucker @MrEd_EVH]

Me - I'm not in the mood to work today

My bank account - you better GET in the mood

[The Bacon-Nate-or @bacon_gillepic]

[first date]

Her: I’ve just been hurt so many times

Me:[trying to impress] I don’t even own sharp things

[Just Bill @WilliamAder]

I could carve a better president out of a pumpkin.

[⊹˙elizabeta꧂ @elizadimitria]

friends: are u sure ur okay? u haven't been urself lately

me: i'm fine :)

my mental health: https://t.co/yTv9kp4kJn