Perp

[Perp @perp82]

Confessions (or at least things that are embarassing to state or which you should know about me) part 2 (these ones are MUCH worse):

(There is nothing here that I can be convicted for or which breaks the Twitter ToS; I am merely factually telling the truth of what has happened / been imagined — my lived experience; this should not be taken as endorsement or recommendation of anything (or any imaginings) mentioned; nothing is intended to be ρ0rИ0grαρhιc or written to arouse or encourage.)

(Context for unfamiliar: I am a mixed-race male and currently age 31.)

- At roughly age 14, there was a girl a couple years younger I would see and interact with fairly often. She was kind of annoying. She was also just beginning to blossom. I fantasised about (‘shutting her up’ by) rαριИg her (either with her hating it and being distraught the whole time, or else coming to enjoy and crave it, while hating herself for loving it). I felt (which is not to say knew correctly) at the time that if I could have gotten away with it, then I would have done it. (But in life I have found thoughts of ‘I would do X if I could get away with it’ to be false, at least for me.)

- Sometimes as a young teen I would go to the park for a nighttime workout. There would sometimes be foxes sleeping nearby. A couple of times I slowly, gradually snuck up super close and fantasised about stomping to dεατh and/or rαριИg a fox.

- A few times as a young lad I mα$τurb@τεd about female family members

- In the past, a very small number of times, I ‘chεcκεd out’ very young girls (who had a particular air or some-would-say-Иymρhιshness or sense of being physically/mentally/spiritually beyond their years, and perhaps dressed/styled/made up very maturely (in a very womanly fashion); and in some of the cases, (very) briefly, very fleetingly imagined what it would be like to romance/m0lε$τ/$εducε/mακε l0vε to/rαρε them.

- One time I mα$τurb@τεd to a fictional erotic story about a man i$0lατiИg a young (iirc age 5 give or take a couple of years) girl lost at the mall and rαριИg her.

- I am being Told to add that in the previous two points, the children were (or I imagined them to be) white. (I am mixed.) This was not causal; there was not a racial malice element; I only mention this because I am being Told to mention it.

- When I was a child, there was a period where my Dad and big brother would sometimes tease me / gang up on me pretty darn harshly. During such incidents, and perhaps shortly after, I fantasised about bludgeoИιИg (or $ταbbiИg in the head) my brother to dεατh in his sleep; again, at the time I felt in my impotent, wounded rage that I would have done it, if success and lack of consequences were assured.

- I have many times watched porn of snowbunny BBC gαИgbαИg$; of ebony BWC gαИgbαИg$; of (in the story) ‘step-relatives’ or occasionally even of (again in the story) blood nuclear or extended family; a couple of times of girls who looked miserable and very plausibly had been trafficked (but I finished anyway and in fact their misery aroused me); once or twice involving Thai girls where it has not been clear either way if they are really girls or not; and of course much, much stuff less offensive (but more voluminous) than these.

- While not necessarily worse than many boys/men at the same age at a given point in time, by my standards (even if not most people’s or medical ones, which are too stringent), I have been a ρ0rИ and m@$τurbατi0И addict.

[cont.: …]

[Perp @perp82]

‘he wore the exact clothes i’
airport

[Perp @perp82]

denim shirt

[Perp @perp82]

@MarcheseMethods Thank you brother, appreciate it; I’ll bear it in mind. Love you ❤️

[Perp @perp82]

Big parts of my inner Work in recent months (in general, and specifically working on my narcissistic and growingly I suspect to some extent borderline tendencies) have been:

- Trying to eliminate resentment entirely (and in particular resentment for people not doing what I want — especially since (see below) I’ve almost entitely ‘fasted from’ asking for anything, so some such resentment would be passive-aggression / covert contracts / expecting people to mind-read).

- Trying to eliminate nagging or passive-aggression or argument-inciting callbacks when a desire or request is rejected.

- Being earnest, vulnerable/open, and honest, in the aspect of not mitigating or suppressing my enthusiasm for a plan someone has proposed, or an offer they’ve made, or not hiding my affection for them. E.g. if someone asks to meet up and I’m enthusiastic, saying ‘I’d like that!’ rather than being aloof or (putting my preference on them by) saying ‘Yeah can/could do’ or ‘Yeah can if you want’; more open/affectionate valedictions, saying ‘God Bless’ or ‘Love you’ more freely; etc. Basically overcoming the felt need for aloofness, or the fear of rejection / non-reciprocation, or of weirding them out or being abandoned or ‘rejected’ or ‘punished’ or losing status/‘hand’/position or being exploited / treated as subordinate/inferior/naïve/gullible/‘clueless’ if I am ‘too’ affectionate/earnest/enthusiastic.

Basically I view hiding one’s enthusiasm or affection, as a form of lying; and honesty (forthrightness/germaneness/salience/directness/non-obfuscation as well as not saying falsehoods) has again been a primary focus of my Work (and ties in to apology — non-apology is a form of dishonesty/lying — to self/others).

- Ditto for requests I make. E.g. ‘(Please) can/could I have a hug?’ or ‘I could really do with a hug.’ instead of the more aloof/pre-emptively-mitigating-rejection-and-saving-face ‘Hug?’.

- Avoiding tit-for-tat or being manipulative via pressure to reciprocity. Saying/doing/giving with no expectation of / designs towards reciprocation/return.

- Apologising freely and fully prepared for if it isn’t reciprocated or ‘accepted’, or if forgiveness is not forthcoming.

- To never ask someone for something (or to do something) if I don’t believe I will be able to accept refusal/non-compliance non-resentfully and with full magnanimity. (Similar principle to my longstanding practice of only asking people questions for which I am prepared for any conceivable answer they might give.)

- IRL: To abstain almost entirely from trying to change others, or their habits/behaviours, or calling out / confronting strangers … or punching the wing mirrors off cars that try to intimidate/bully me as a pedestrian with right-of-way.

- Validation: to be vigilant for when I am seeking credit, praise, validation, approval, ‘sign-off’/licence, narcissistic supply, head-pats; and to almost always avoid such seeking.

- Being understood: Generally making an effort to be mindful of what I say/write; eliminating thoughtless/automatic utterances seemingly near-entirely, including reflexive/compulsive/approval-seeking need to be understood, or to have my reasons for an action or belief or claim or utterance to be understood. Aiming to seek being understood only as a conscious, considered action. Letting people misunderstand me or my motives/reasons or justifications or my character, as Work / desensitisation. Agreeing to disagree rather than mindlessly/compulsively arguing interminably and obvious-fruitlessly, or instinctively trying to convince others.

…

[Jade Stanton @jadethebpdcoach]

How do you punish other people when they don't do what you want, don't validate you, or understand you, or respond the way you want?

And is it working?

[Perp @perp82]

Back to thread / log:

[Perp @perp82]

2026-05-30 Sat 08:41 BST to
2025-06-17 Wed 11:11 BST
i.e. 18d02h30m
i.e. 2w4d02h30m:

[Perp @perp82]

Burst the Crystal Cabinet:

2026-05-30 Sat 08:41 BST to
2025-06-17 Wed 11:11 BST
i.e. 18d02h30m.

[Perp @perp82]

2026-05-30 Sat 08:41 BST to
2025-06-17 Wed 11:11 BST
i.e. 18d02h30m
i.e. 2w4d02h30m:

[Perp @perp82]

Burst the Crystal Cabinet:

2026-05-30 Sat 08:41 BST to
2025-06-17 Wed 11:11 BST
i.e. 18d02h30m.

[Perp @perp82]

THREAD: LOG OF BURSTINGS OF THE CRYSTAL CABINET, pt 1 (2025-10-10 Fri 12:00 BST onwards):

Thread of burstings of the Crystal Cabinet (linked/quoted posts might have more details, runinations, introspections, analyses, etc. than bare-bones timings:)

[Perp @perp82]

2026-05-26 Tue 12:01 BST to
2026-05-30 Sat 08:41 BST
i.e. 3d20h40m:

[Perp @perp82]

Burst the Crystal Cabinet:

2026-05-26 Tue 12:01 BST to
2026-05-30 Sat 08:41 BST
i.e. 3d20h40m.

Thinking of her again as usual.

Ejaculate thick — unsure if due to inadequate hydration (or lots of electrolytes/minerals/vitamins and not enough water) but not clear there was dead sperm.

Have been ball-slapping/-tapping/-tugging and a wee bit of squeezing again recently.

Seemed perhaps like a slightly large load given how soon after previous bursting. Perhaps due to previous para; perhaps the aforementioned nutrition; perhaps recent gym; perhaps weather; perhaps seeming return of frequency/depth of spiritual or at least emotionally powerful states (pity, awe, gratitude, general tenderness not just towards her, etc.)

[𝚛𝚊𝚠𝚊𝚝 @rawatthekiid]

anacreon (c. 6th century bc) writes, “once again love has struck me like a smith with a great hammer” (δηὖτέ μ᾽ ὁ χρυσοκόμης Ἔρως / μεγάλῃ δ᾽ ἐνέκοψεν ὥστε χαλκεὺς πελέκει), a line that imagines love not as tenderness, but as a violent force capable of remaking the self.

[Perp @perp82]

straighteningoutpilled

[𝚛𝚊𝚠𝚊𝚝 @rawatthekiid]

in enneads I.6.9: one must “withdraw into yourself & look.” if the self is not yet beautiful, one should act “as does the creator of a statue”: cutting away excess, straightening what is crooked, & illuminating what is obscure until “the godlike splendour of virtue” shines forth.

[Perp @perp82]

Contemplationpilled

[𝚛𝚊𝚠𝚊𝚝 @rawatthekiid]

in enneads i.6.9, plotinus exhorts the seeker to “withdraw into yourself and look” (εἰς σαυτὸν ἀναχώρει καὶ ἴδε), comparing spiritual self cultivation to a sculptor who removes excess stone until beauty appears.

[Perp @perp82]

@rawatthekiid Contemplationpilled

[Perp @perp82]

First-wave feminism: High IQ (British Isles stock Aspergerbrained?) women from ‘good stock’ projecting their (malebrained?) high IQ stock onto all women via black-and-white first-principles Asperger ‘I can fix the system and outsmart millennia of norms’ thinking.

Second-wave feminism: Jewish-CIA psyop in which misandrist / lesbian (childhood trauma) / high foetal testosterone (but I sort of repeat myself multiply) ‘thought leaders’ engaged in interracial/intergender warfare / sexual competition against (goyim/straight/white) men. By this point already a runaway social contagion groupthink mindvirus race to the bottom and power-seeking-slash-deconstruction-slash-tearing-down-of-morality-and-gender-roles-for-its-own-sake.

Third-wave feminism: Victory lap humiliation ritual dancing on men / customs / tradition. AGENDA.

Not to say there weren’t good points or even necessary changes. Not even to rule out one or more waves might have been necessary as an (over)correction.

[Perp @perp82]

People lament (or at least sense) the lack of meaning in life, but shockingly many lack the ability to listen to a single sentence uninterrupted, so much communication is reduced down to stock phrases — ensuring triteness and absence of meaning.

Not just young people either.

[Kerwin Fjøl @zermatist]

One striking thing about Hermann Hesse's Glass Bead Game is how the characters will talk to each other for paragraphs at length, barely ever interrupted. It isn't clear to me if this is just Hesse's writing style, or if he's saying something about how they've all been socialized.

[Perp @perp82]

@zermatist People lament (or at least sense) the lack of meaning in life, but shockingly many lack the ability to listen to a single sentence uninterrupted, so much communication is reduced down to stock phrases — ensuring triteness and absence of meaning.

Not just young people either.

[Perp @perp82]

@Khargosh_12 Oof.

[♆ @Khargosh_12]

Roland Barthes from Lover's Discourse.

[Perp @perp82]

@orfeia @robertlasagna1 ❤️ ❤️🫶🫶

[Orfeia @orfeia]

@perp82 @robertlasagna1 I have a core memory of being envious of my parents cuddling. Thanks for bringing attention to this.

[Perp @perp82]

The Third Body is the body of will, the ‘I AM’. Only those hoo have crystallized a solid will, imperturbable thru Trials and temptations, will Go Home.

[Nick Hinton @NickHintonn]

Apparently, Paradise is encircled by a ring of purifying fire only God Himself can withstand. And this is why unrepentant sinners and hypocritical Christians are burnt by it in the afterlife as their souls try to return home.

Many ancient mystics knew this. They encountered an impenetrable barrier, a blinding and annihilating Light, while trying to reunite with the Absolute. Nevertheless, only those who have cleansed their hearts and made a place for God to dwell within them will remain unscathed.

But even they will still have some evil lingering in their flesh. So, as they approach the refining fire and begin to feel the heat, they will be tested by the toll houses. These are stations in the aerial realm where demons are allowed to harass people for their forgotten and secret sins.

In a way, it’s like the life review some near-death-experiencers describe. This makes sense considering the aerial realm is also the astral realm. Many near-death-experiencers and astral travelers are deceived here. The demons reveal “forbidden knowledge” and send them back.

However, Orthodox Christians have help here. At baptism, they are given a guardian angel who remembers all their good works. So, they advocate for us while the demons threaten to drag us down into hellfire. The saints we became friends with also come to our aid.

Then, if we are able to make it all the way to the Heavenly Gates, we are judged by God Himself. This might sound legalistic. But none of this literal. It’s important to remember the afterlife is undescribable. It can only be explained symbolically and poetically.

Some of this might sound pagan or gnostic too. But it’s also important to remember that ideas like Hell, Paradise, and God’s Judgment actually predate Christianity. Like Saint Justin the Philosopher said, all the religions that came before Christ contained some seeds of truth.

If they didn’t, the Good News wouldn’t have made sense to anybody. Back then, everyone was looking for the fullness of the truth. But it was impossible to find until God revealed it in the flesh, in the form of His Son.

Then, what was true from every religion was combined into one universal religion, hence the Universal Church. So, I am not promoting another universal religion. We already have it! It’s called Orthodoxy! And its whole purpose is to help people heal and correctly prepare them for their soul’s journey after death.

Like Saint Isaac said, our experience of God in the next life will be determined by the purity of our hearts. His Light will either burn like hell or warm us like a heavenly garment. And if we did not love Him on earth, what should we expect? What should we expect if we did not even know Him? Luckily, His Body is easy to find!

[Perp @perp82]

@BretVDB Congratulations!