peter louden

[peter louden @peterlouden3]

@Olivia_5591 5

[Garrett Hughes @Garretthughes]

Contractor came by this morning, shook my hand but not my wife’s.

Brother, I cannot emphasize enough how badly you have misidentified the decision maker in this transaction.

[mick (daddo) friel @daddofriel]

Donald Trump says if Iran assassinate him thousands of missiles will be launched.

I think the word he’s looking for there is ‘fireworks’, thousands of fireworks would be launched.
#r4today

[Yorkshire Victor Meldrew+his dog @TheMeldrew]

Unbelievable, just when you think they can't sink any lower Sky news have doorstepped Count Binfaces family

[Kevin @caoimhinof]

Prince Andrew finally getting his own back on the UK population. Everyone sweating like a pig this morning, while he sits bone dry.

[Anon Opin. @anon_opin]

UK Postcodes have two parts separated with a space. Every Brit knows this format, yet the Royal Mail website refuses to accept postcodes with a space in them. How do you fuck up validating your own system?

[David Walker @DaveModculture]

RIP Judith, but you’re name will live on whenever anyone you know goes on more than 2 holidays a year.

[Protect Kamala Harris ✊ @DisavowTrump20]

RETWEET if you stand with Stephen Colbert against Donald Trump!

[peter louden @peterlouden3]

@nexta_tv @horrormuseum @chalkstorm

[J£##¥ @Jenny_egbedi]

Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stopped to listen.

MAN: "Hello!"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'II see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hung up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turned and asked, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"😭

[peter louden @peterlouden3]

@jimhamilton4

[Stefan Moore ★ @2StefanMoore]

Meet Davyon Johnson, an 11 year old from Muskogee, Oklahoma, who saved two lives in a single day. ❤️

At school, a classmate began choking on a bottle cap. Davyon sprang into action, didn’t hesitate & performed the Heimlich maneuver to dislodge it. That same afternoon, Davyon spotted a house engulfed in flames with an elderly woman trapped inside. He charged toward the fire & guided her out to safety. No cameras. No script. Just pure courage & a heart full of compassion.

Because one boy’s decision to act, two lives were spared to see another sunrise.

True change doesn’t require fame or wealth. It starts with kindness in motion & love that steps forward.

Repost to make him famous & keep humanity’s flame alive. ❤️

[peter louden @peterlouden3]

@scottygb Very very funny. Loved it

[RedAlways @PATRIOT2117]

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon “quickie” with their eight-year-old son in the apartment, was to send him out on the balcony with a popsicle and tell him to report on all of the neighborhood activities.

“There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he shouted.

“An ambulance just drove by… looks like the Andersons are moving…! Winnie’s riding a new bike!! The Smiths have company! Jack is on his skateboard!!!”

After a few minutes, he announced, “The Coopers are having S€X!!!!”

Startled, his mom and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, “How do you know they’re having s6x?!”

“Jimmy Cooper’s standing on his balcony with a popsicle!”

[peter louden @peterlouden3]

@AndyGoode10 Is @jimhamilton4 now a quarter Italian ?

[Sassington, M.C. @MissSassbox]

WORTH THE WATCH:

his name is Azeem Banatwalla and this is one of the most creative and hilarious comedy bits you will ever hear. someone's definitely going to try and replicate it. 😭

[Mike Bales™ 🫡🇺🇸 @MikeBales]

I was driving when I saw the flash of a traffic camera.
I figured my picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though I knew I wasn’t speeding.
Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but the camera flashed again.
Now I began to think this was quite funny, so I drove even slower as I passed once more, yet the camera flashed again.
I tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while I rolled past at a snail’s pace.
Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
You know, you just can’t fix stupid. 😖

[peter louden @peterlouden3]

@AndyGoode10 “rugby friends…..”