DILF Peter Parker

Frequently flummoxed full-time father figure. Dual-Wielding aficionado. (he/they)

[DILF Peter Parker @phantasticalvin]

Some may think I'm a walking cliché but I'm actually two walking clichés in a trenchcoat.

[DILF Peter Parker @phantasticalvin]

@iwishiwasafinch

[Nina Deer @longdepzai_n]

Trying to keep up with my girlfriend’s eating pace

[(Stephanie) Slade @sladesr]

Congratulations, Twitter is good again.

[Jacobin @jacobin]

Mayor Zohran Mamdani mocks Ronald Reagan’s infamous quote.

“I can think of nine words more terrifying than ‘I’m from the government and I’m here to help…’”

“I worked all day and can’t feed my family.”

[͏b͏l͏a͏n͏c @dqveed]

me when i was 7 and put my moms headbands on my eyes and pretended to be cyclops from x-men

[maria (posterity) @EFFEXWH0RE]

i knew obi wan was bisexual before he was canonized as bi because i could feel it in the bisexual Force

[DILF Peter Parker @phantasticalvin]

I call this "blob week"

[✦ 𝓢𝓱𝓲𝓷𝓮 ✦🪐 @upshine3]

The most healing thing for a neurodivergent person isn’t sleep or a hot shower or a good meal. It’s a long stretch of time where nobody needs anything from them at all.

[DILF Peter Parker @phantasticalvin]

Willem Dafoe confirmed for Kugrash

[Big Tee @societyhatestee]

what's it called when you have enough trauma to be evil but actively choose not to.

[Dani Donovan 👩🏻‍🎨 ADHD Comics @danidonovan]

therapist: say it with me. i do not need a clean house—

me: i do not need a clean house

therapist: —to be deserving of love

me: to be deserving of love

therapist: i do not need a clean house to be deserving of love!

me: being messy means i’m a failure and bad at being an adult

therapist: NO

[fluttershy @hwrtyed]

whats it called when you can’t take it anymore but you somehow keep taking it

[av / mikey ☄️ @andyneiman]

straight up “breeding it” … and by “it” haha…. lestr just say…. nitrogen resistant taomoeba….

[homoyuri @crosshairlvr]

sex is intimate and sacred and you shouldn't share it with anyone that doesn't like project hail mary

[saucefunk @saucefunk2]

dirty dirty dirty #projecthailmary

[dustin Couch @Dustinkcouch]

nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early

astronaut: moon's haunted

nasa employee: what?

astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon's haunted

[jim 🍉 @muracommie]

look at my scientist dawg we're all going to live 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

[DILF Peter Parker @phantasticalvin]

Am I a middle school science* teacher with slutty little glasses? Yes.

Unfortunately, I am not Ryan Gosling.

[DILF Peter Parker @phantasticalvin]

@crosshairlvr He and Carl made a baby???