Phil

[Boog @bewgtweets]

Her: how many children do you want

Me: *lowering the menu* what the hell kind of restaurant is this

[Kip Conlon @kipconlon]

Sorry I’m late for the custody hearing, there were no clocks in the casino.

[jane doe ☣︎ @f8lfang]

"stop vaping on my baby" first of all this is dmt

[CannibusLecter @FMLsweetly]

being an idiot was fun in the early days before it caught on.

[Toby 🇵🇸 @tobestewart]

I may have poor mental health and a low IQ but I wouldn’t go so far as saying I was religious

[Phil @philthy0phil]

@FMLsweetly Exactly. He would smite them since they’re bad for the brand

[Phil @philthy0phil]

@Mixonaintshit Classic

[Nostradadmus @bigpoppadrunk]

Me: Sometimes I just need a reminder to do things better. Why do you ask my son?

Pullout: It's just that kids are teasing me at school

[Melvin of York @MelvinofYork]

sometimes I sit in traffic and marvel at the fact that every car around me contains distinct individuals, with wildly varying lives and personalities, all temporarily united in their desire to piss me off

[Phil @philthy0phil]

@TheWapplehouse This dudes hilarious

[OleSaintPat @OleSaintPat]

let’s skip the small talk and get to the questionable decisions.

[michael @FilledwithUrine]

if i’m flirting with you stop talking about your bf i don’t want him

[Natalie Would @_NatalieWould]

You may have street smarts but I'm a classically trained dumbass

[Wilde Thingy @wildethingy]

I prefer not to think of it as getting older and more as careering headlong towards death.

[derek guy @dieworkwear]

me to someone giving me a baked dessert:

[Joe @sandjoeman]

Me: She really needs to calm down.

Alcohol: You should tell her.

[EmoG @gmanwashere927]

I treat red flags like invitations to a weird party I’ll regret attending.

[Gülce @exitsenses]

Beautiful spring evening. I’m outside with a cup of coffee. Zero notifications on my phone likely because I’m difficult to like and contribute very little socially. God bless

[Kip Conlon @kipconlon]

While perhaps not my place as a janitor, I was bewitched by the equation on the classroom's chalk board and began to work it out, solving it just as the children returned from recess.