Roland | positive loop

wizard
✍🏻 | | @n3gative_loop

[Roland | positive loop @positive_loop]

look I know it looks like I was unemployed for a while but I was becoming a wizard. it’s important

[Roland | positive loop @positive_loop]

@mossing_pdf I guess I'm looking at it from this angle and then it certainly *feels* different

[Roland | positive loop @positive_loop]

We've had SEO and that's always been a bit cursed. But now it's going to get increasingly more strange as people start relying on AI for purchase decisions. How do you manipulate the AI to recommend *your* product?

[Roland | positive loop @positive_loop]

Damn I feel seen

[Guy @nosilverv]

basically everything in your personal life should be pre-computed and require ~0 thinking. if you're thinking lots daily outside of work it's more likely that it's a defense (intellectualization/rumination/rationalization) than actual thinking EXCEPT IF (see screenshot)

[Roland | positive loop @positive_loop]

@Mareikehere 🙏🏻

[Marei Christensen @Mareikehere]

Best thing I learned this year was:

If something feels off, step back and disengage.

Don't wait to figure out what is off. Step back anyways.

I don't have to know what my exact boundary is or how to communicate it before I step back to get the space I need.

[Roland | positive loop @positive_loop]

@tasshinfogleman Ok so if I'm not ready to receive more don't clean my space?

[0:-) @silverarm0r]

im such a misery addict omg do you believe in life after pain

[Chris Lakin @chrislakin]

YES!

[Guy @nosilverv]

Speaking of self-deception…

Weirdest thing happened: I was playing MTGA (as I do) but for the first time in months and after a Jhourney retreat so sensory clarity was ↑↑↑.

I play the first game and I win, cool, nice warm feeling in the chest. I play the second game and I lose and IMMEDIATELY alt tab into Safari. What?

So I notice (because sensory clarity is high right) and decide to go upstairs to write about it. I've been noticing and writing my emotions, I have an office with just a blank sheet of paper always ready.

As I'm half-way through the stairs I feel PROFOUND pain. Deep, deep pain. It has to be emotional but I don't remember feeling something so acute. And it came from losing at Magic, what the fuck??

—————————————————————————

That was last week. Today I was telling therapist about it. She says something to the extent of "I won't stop connecting with you just because you're bad at Magic." Immediately sense of constriction in my heart. I look into it. It's deconstricting, actually. It felt like it had been corseted in some sort of metal cage, constrincting it, and that she saying it had released or dissolved the cage but that the heart had been so long in this shape that it hurt to go back.

We keep investigating. "Do you have any memory?" "Actually… yea."

And I remembered ages ago, 8 years ago to be exact, I remember I was in this AirBnB and my life wasn't great and in that moment in a way that wasn't either fully conscious but wasn't fully unconscious either ("half-conscious"!?) I decided to invest my self in being good at Magic. I made some sort of diabolical deal with myself that reminded me of that idea that “Desire is a contract you make with yourself to be unhappy until you get what you want.” Like, I'll invest my personality in this which will make me get good at it and then I can derive fulfillment from that but it'll really sting when I lose. (Which is what will motivate me to get good.)

I then told my therapist it felt like I had cursed myself and we were now lifting the curse.

[Roland | positive loop @positive_loop]

@silverarm0r you know what could be an appropriate way to feel about this? Schattenfroh

[Beff (e/acc) @beffjezos]

"Oh this? This is just an entity from the nether realm I summoned by enscribing runes on magic stones I forged in a sacred kiln, then proceeded to cast certain spells to distill the collective conscious to imbue it into the substrate. Don't worry, it doesn't have a soul."

[Roland | positive loop @positive_loop]

me and who 👀

[Roland | positive loop @positive_loop]

@silverarm0r Oh yeah totally. I feel I'd have some things to say on this

[Roland | positive loop @positive_loop]

@silverarm0r Hm? How do you mean?

[Roland | positive loop @positive_loop]

@junemarie yeah I mean so often it can be just that 😄

[Roland | positive loop @positive_loop]

Right now I'm basically in a permanent hissing mood. I could hiss at everything and everyone

[Roland | positive loop @positive_loop]

@junemarie but it does make sense I feel this way. It's not a mystery

[Roland | positive loop @positive_loop]

@junemarie yes and I ate too

[👁️ autosurveillant 👁️ @pee_zombie]

[-] be an older person (working on it)
[ ] have achieved identity
[-] have achieved autonomy (got it but lost it)
[ ] have experienced enduring, loyal, post-romantic love relationship
[ ] have found your calling, the altar upon which to offer yourself
[x] have worked out your own system of values
[-] have enough experience (responsibility for others, tragedy, failure, achievement, success) to shed perfectionistic illusions and become realistic (still clinging onto idealism my fingers are slipping)
[ ] have made peace with death
[ ] have learnt how to be patient
[x] have learnt enough about evil in yourself and others to be compassionate
[ ] have become post-ambivalent about parents and elders, power and authority
[x] have become knowledgeable and educated enough to open the possibility of becoming wise
[x] have acquired enough courage to be unpopular
[-] have acquired enough courage to be unashamed about being openly virtuous (idk man you, how does one claim this about themselves)