The Problematic 5000

[I'm so money and I don't even know it 🇵🇸 @Problematic3000]

Learning how to put in contact lenses is like performing Hostel as a one-man show.

[I'm so money and I don't even know it 🇵🇸 @Problematic3000]

Ugh... yeah, sorry, I'm just... blarg... so [yawn]..... tired... I'm just urghgh... I'm just hhhhhhngngng... I'm just tired from coming into work on time today.

[I'm so money and I don't even know it 🇵🇸 @Problematic3000]

Girlfriend got fired from the paradimensional demon containment facility for gently placing the lids on the enchanted urns without screwing them on.

[Ash @bitcoins1stlady]

Nazi or Zionist❓️✡️

[I'm so money and I don't even know it 🇵🇸 @Problematic3000]

Talking to my younger self through a mirror except it's his car's rearview mirror and he's going 80 on the highway and I'm screaming "PANIC!" at him.

[I'm so money and I don't even know it 🇵🇸 @Problematic3000]

Ed Sheeran auditioning for the liberal heel in every @_rathbone video.

[I'm so money and I don't even know it 🇵🇸 @Problematic3000]

Guess who made it into the sexy hunks calendar at my work? Say hello to Mr. July. They even gave me a nickname: Palate Cleanser

[I'm so money and I don't even know it 🇵🇸 @Problematic3000]

Mine are the "cartoon box propped up by a stick with a string tied to it" of thirst traps.

[The Problematic 5000 @Problematic5000]

Having fun with my new calipers. Would anyone like to know the length of my penis to the nearest ten-thousandth of an inch?

[The Problematic 5000 @Problematic5000]

Waiting patiently for a penis emoji so I can start bragging in texts about the eggplant parm that I make.

[The Problematic 5000 @Problematic5000]

Thinking of telling people that my autistic special interest is crushing pussy. Any notes?

[I'm so money and I don't even know it 🇵🇸 @Problematic3000]

I don't mind religious bumper stickers but the "baby on board" one befuddles me.

I mean, wasn't Jesus crucified at 33?

[I'm so money and I don't even know it 🇵🇸 @Problematic3000]

*the abyss autistic-gazes back at me*

[The Problematic 5000 @Problematic5000]

*leaning in to the mushroom-enhanced coffee vendor at the health expo*

"Did you put your dick in the coffee?"

[The Problematic 5000 @Problematic5000]

Thinking of telling people that my autistic special interest is crushing pussy. Any notes?

[Mel @Villgecrazylady]

The most accurate TikTok ever ever

[I'm so money and I don't even know it 🇵🇸 @Problematic3000]

me: Apenas... puse... puse... apenas puse... apenas....

friend: Please don't practice your Spanish right now.

[The Problematic 5000 @Problematic5000]

*leaning in to the mushroom-enhanced coffee vendor at the health expo*

"Did you put your dick in the coffee?"

[I'm so money and I don't even know it 🇵🇸 @Problematic3000]

Something about this acupuncturist makes me nervous. I've been in the waiting room for an hour sitting on pins and needles.

[I'm so money and I don't even know it 🇵🇸 @Problematic3000]

I miss Gene Kelly so much that I still visit the cemetery once a year to tap dance on his grave.