Tom Spanks

Goat lover. Divorced twice. Pabst Blue Ribbon or shoot me. Retired dentist (fired for writing myself prescriptions) Business inquiries: [email protected]

[Tom Spanks @prolapsedpooper]

@BreakfastBacon1 Dullus is far from DC proper, but a very solid port.

[Pete Mundo @PeteMundo]

Seinfeld episode 2026: Jerry gets tickets courtside and brings George, who decides, with the Knicks down 20 with 10 minutes left, he will leave the game early to beat the rush out of MSG.

As the Knicks mount a comeback he tries to get back into the Garden. He waves his ticket, name drops James Dolan, but nothing works and he ends up getting arrested.

Meantime, Kramer sneaks into the Garden and helps Mike Brown draw up the game winning play.

[Laura Albanese @AlbaneseLaura]

With all due respect, if you never had a green MetroCard and a Regents diploma, you can keep your Knicks celebration on a low simmer

[Tom Spanks @prolapsedpooper]

Would white women still go abroad, run a a marathon, or pretend to be die hard Knicks fans from birth if instagram didn’t exist?

[Tom Spanks @prolapsedpooper]

If I have a daughter, I’m giving her the most masculine name possible.

Cause no male in high school gonna wanna say they cracked Edward.

[Tom Spanks @prolapsedpooper]

Ain’t no way this dude’s dad doesn’t run the hedge fund he’s strolling to in that fit.

Hair of the Dog is in trouble.

#interns

[Randy Johnson-Fister @naturdayguy]

Blackrock tote, Hoka’s, and a backwards trucker hat? NYC summer intern season in full swing #phebes #ferda

[Philadelphia Eagles @Eagles]

An incredible four seasons in Philly

[Tom Spanks @prolapsedpooper]

Roofie, 30 rack, take my car, sure

[Kyle “Blick Em” Harris @kyleharris223]

12 beers, 🪵, rape me, i don’t if that’s a man or woman but I’ll find out the hard way #beev

[Karen McGee @karenmotherof2]

Defeat your bitter border rival in battle and come home to a warriors welcome with a few battle scars and their most prized lady on your arm. They used to write songs about this kinda thing

[Shooter McGavin @ShooterMcGavin]

Underserved Villain Rap:

Derek Huff

- Payed $1200 a week for voice lessons for his family
- Paused his fishing with Cubes story to explain to Dale how big Bonita fish are
- Only charged Robert four-fifths commission on the sale of his house
- Hasn’t had a carb since 2004
- Saved car karaoke performance with his solo

[Tom Spanks @prolapsedpooper]

Giants still suck skat likes crack and dart the fart can’t read picture books

[Tom Spanks @prolapsedpooper]

@AB84 @cheetah Hear me out.

New podcast called “CTKnee” when Tyreek retires. Would generate billions.

[Tom Spanks @prolapsedpooper]

@naturdayguy I understand it all now

[Tom Spanks @prolapsedpooper]

@terpsgiantsguy Would not mind a fat grotesque whale out of a bingus to the dome right now

[Tom Spanks @prolapsedpooper]

Only good thing to come outta starting Dart is the debut of Fox’s MILF cam at MetLife stadium.

Thank you Brian Daboll.

@terpsgiantsguy

[Tom Spanks @prolapsedpooper]

You ever chowing down on your girls stink portal and take a step back and realize you’re chomping down on an absolute scrub daddy. (Shoutout @scrubdaddy for keeping my shit shiny)

#timtebow

[Tom Spanks @prolapsedpooper]

@naturdayguy @rfkenmore Sorry couldn’t read this. Too busy getting scurvy from your mother’s clam

[Tom Spanks @prolapsedpooper]

@naturdayguy @rfkenmore Agreed Randy.

[Tom Spanks @prolapsedpooper]

@naturdayguy Iran would never target something so small. I think the entire city of Columbus would be more up their alley Randy.

[Tom Spanks @prolapsedpooper]

@domthepatsfan @naturdayguy Yeah now y’all suck forever 🤣🤣🤣