Puddle Wonderful

I enjoy beefy 5-layer burritos by candlelight and long walks on the internet.

Sometimes I make art.

[Puddle Wonderful @queefyburrito]

@DougBenson You're not clean until you wash your flesh right off, buddy

[Puddle Wonderful @queefyburrito]

@SortaBad He's holed up in his 8,000 sq. Ft underground bunker rubbing hundred dollar bills on his nipples and laughing while on the phone telling his employees to "like share sick leave or something idk I'm busy"

[Puddle Wonderful @queefyburrito]

@Bronks41 @kumailn @MayorOfLA Yeah, are we all just cool with people not being able to eat this month because they can no longer afford groceries? Rent? How many people are going to get evicted after things cool down? What is going to happen when only ~30% of the population is financially stable? We need help

[Puddle Wonderful @queefyburrito]

@ZacOyama Oh fuck is that what we're supposed to be doing? I've just been eating Oreos and making up songs about my dogs

[Puddle Wonderful @queefyburrito]

Oh cool, the president is bitching about Hillary's emails during a global pandemic.

That's like obsessing over texts from your ex while your house is on fire

[Donald J. Trump @realDonaldTrump]

Great Job by Judicial Watch. Potentially a treasure trove. Too bad you are not given more help, but it will all work out!

[Puddle Wonderful @queefyburrito]

@pattonoswalt My state only has 400 test kits TOTAL. I've had respiratory symptoms for over a week and can't get tested anywhere. Maybe I should take a page out of his book and just riddle my brain with syphillis to keep the COVID away

[Puddle Wonderful @queefyburrito]

@Psydewayz I've stopped showering entirely and only consume vodka and baked beans. If you create a hostile enough environment, the virus will reject you just like everybody else in your life

[Puddle Wonderful @queefyburrito]

@BespokeHoover BREAKING NEWS: The White House is now giving mandatory injections of syphilis to prevent COVID-19

[Puddle Wonderful @queefyburrito]

@HowlinFantods @LLW902 Yep! My state only has 33 confirmed cases. But that's because we only had 400 tests to use TOTAL. So hundreds of people showing symptoms were refused because they hadn't travelled internationally. I've had respiratory symptoms for over a week now. The shitshow is just beginning.

[Puddle Wonderful @queefyburrito]

Been in isolation for three days and I already cut off all my hair and have exhausted the number of silly songs I can make up about my dog

[Puddle Wonderful @queefyburrito]

You ever meet someone with no neuroses or trauma and they just like function normally and live their life all well-adjusted and shit?? They just think about doing a thing and then they do it??

Like what even is that, are they just killing people in their spare time

[Puddle Wonderful @queefyburrito]

"I'm just tired" is code for "I'm a sad empty husk of rotting meat, an insignificant celestial shit stain that is doing nothing but simply existing with minimal effort, and my body hurts on an atomic level.

Also I am tired."

[Puddle Wonderful @queefyburrito]

I can't wait for seasonal depression to fuck off so I can get back to that good ol' Depression Classic™

[Puddle Wonderful @queefyburrito]

@SirEviscerate Okay good, that's a necessary component of being on Twitter and being alive in general.

Carry on

[Puddle Wonderful @queefyburrito]

@SirEviscerate Please consider deleting this tweet, thank you

[Puddle Wonderful @queefyburrito]

@ThatFuglyFish Sure, but only because I really dig the way you wear a shoe on one foot and two pairs of socks on the other

[Puddle Wonderful @queefyburrito]

@neilhimself What a strange phenomenon. Can't believe we've all gone this long living in a world built on lies

[Puddle Wonderful @queefyburrito]

@rrkaplan Cool, this basically just summed up every small interaction I've had with a service industry worker or really anybody ever. Did you both just nod and avoid eye contact after?

[Puddle Wonderful @queefyburrito]

@BuckyIsotope Slow your fucking roll, America isn't ready for these radical ideas yet

[Puddle Wonderful @queefyburrito]

@cyberadam26 Happy birthday, glad to see you survived another year in this shit hole