rachel

[Zach @zedesfuhk]

I apologize for any tweets ive ever made when ive been sober

[mike 🍾 @champagnemikee]

Some guy just called me a pussy for putting on sunscreen. Imagine thinking you're tougher than the sun? The fucking sun?

[Norm Kelly @norm]

I wonder if thinking warm thoughts has the same impact on the weather as counting sheep has for sleep.

[Zach @zedesfuhk]

Burn down your place of business and fuck your bosses wife

[Zach @zedesfuhk]

You all dont want to like my shit because im a maniac

[Jeff @uke_jahaj]

I find it funny when i text people randomly to ask them how they are/their family out of the goodness of my heart and they don’t reply but be on social media fronting that nobody checks up on them. Lmao stfu

[wrexks @wrexks_]

*Stuck listening to a story from someone I don't care to talk to*

My Brain:
Don't say it
Don't say it
Don't say it
Don't say it
Don't say it
Don't say it
Don't say it
Don't say it
Don't say it
Don't say it
Don't say it

Me for the 80th time:
"That's crazy"

[Dexter’s Fan Page @ktbonz]

My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”

[Steven W Skinner @SkinnerSteven]

"Bro, you want this pamphlet?"

"Brochure"

[Cmac @CarterMcLellan1]

*white girls*

Hey mom how long should I microwave a turkey for???

Their mom: you shouldn’t

*white girls*

😂😂😭😭💀💀

[Norm Kelly @norm]

Let’s talk about how the late worm doesn't get caught by the early bird.

[Norm Kelly @norm]

Just touched a wet door handle. Pray for me.

[ellie schnitt @holy_schnitt]

morning kids, remember: you should always be nice to people who aren’t nice to you. not because it’s the right thing to do (I mean, it is) but because it makes that person look like a real jackass to everyone else, and you automatically win