BREAKING NEWS from Springfield this evening, as it's reported Homer Simpson has dropped his donut. When asked for comment, he said "d'ohhhh". More updates as they come
This just in,
⚠️EXTREME VIEWER DISCRETION ADVISED: The Man Hired By The Onion To Take Over Infowars Previously Took Part In The Infamous “Celery Man” Broadcast, A Paul Rudd-Led Digital Conditioning Operation Involving “Tayne,” “Nude Tayne,” “Nude Tayne With Hat,” “Tayne’s Hat Wiggling,” And Others That No Healthy Society Would Ever Permit To Be Sequenced On Public Networks!
Investigators Are DEMANDING Answers About The Repeated Summoning Of “4D3D3D3,” The Unauthorized Tube Visuals, And The Disturbing Use Of Sensual Staircase Protocols To Lull Viewers Into A False Sense Of Security Before Exposing Them To Full-Spectrum Tayne Content! WHY Did Paul Rudd Ask “Can I Get A Hat Wobble” Unless He Already Knew The Ritual Was Underway?
They Told You It Was A Sketch. They Told You It Was “Absurdist Comedy.” Meanwhile The American People Were Subjected To Raw Celery-Based PsyOps, Nude Digital PORNOGRAPHY, And Paul Rudd COMMITTING ADULTERY. The Pattern Is Hiding In Plain Sight!
I genuinely feel sick. This is just beyond anything the mind can fathom. And I keep thinking of what Ta-Nehisi Coates said. If you can’t draw the line at the genocide in Gaza, you can’t draw it anywhere else. Moral failure, on a mass and collective scale, brought us here.
This is an absolutely INSANE thing to say out loud. We killed their leaders in the middle of negotiations because we didn’t like the way they negotiated?!?!
My middle name is Pepsi. My first name is Coke. How old am I?
Tired fast food worker over intercom :... uh. Ion know. Fanta?
I take off my glasses and grow hoarse. How did you know
You can decline to lift a finger against the Israelis for your entire career and help them accomplish decades long goals and stand there and salute their aircraft while they obliterate all your air defense systems and a year or two later they'll be issuing public demands for your murder and referring to you as the head of the snake. There's a lesson there for those auditioning for shabbos goyhood.
Body cam footage shows 19 year old who was pulled over for a minor traffic infraction, police shoving him to the ground, DHS then lied about him being charged with a felony, and weeks later he dies in Florida ICE detention.