Matthew Zerilli

Stand Up Comedian. Recovering Alcoholic. Relapsed Catholic. Aspiring Narcissist. Booking/Inquiries: [email protected]

[Matthew Zerilli @reallyZerilli]

I’m listening…

[Matthew Zerilli @reallyZerilli]

I, for one, support the sense of adventure shown by those Titanic explorers. And in that spirit, I think we should start sending cycle pubs down there

[Matthew Zerilli @reallyZerilli]

They better find that sub freaky fast

[Matthew Zerilli @reallyZerilli]

@iamdanlevey Heck’s Angels

[Matthew Zerilli @reallyZerilli]

@iamdanlevey The Gay and Proud Boys

[Matthew Zerilli @reallyZerilli]

Ever since we went off the Gold Standard I have been really worried that all this Kohls Cash is worthless

[Matthew Zerilli @reallyZerilli]

Summer traffic season is here again, so let’s review the right of way hierarchy:

- Pedestrians > bikes
- Bikes > cars
- Everyone > 4-Door Jeeps with truck beds*

*Also, no eye contact. Just sit there and think about what you’ve done until we decide what to do with you

[Matthew Zerilli @reallyZerilli]

@ianmiles “Maam, this is the Walmart customer service desk…”

[Matthew Zerilli @reallyZerilli]

Me: Literally any time my dog makes the slightest noise or sign of discomfort

[Matthew Zerilli @reallyZerilli]

I’m “stack the dishes up for the waitress” level Midwestern

[Matthew Zerilli @reallyZerilli]

@ChristnNitemare Gay

[Matthew Zerilli @reallyZerilli]

In Related News: Italy prepares for the largest eruption since Pompeii

[The Telegraph @Telegraph]

🔴Priests could be allowed to have sex in future, Pope Francis has suggested as he said he was open to reviewing the practice of celibacy https://t.co/kBh4FrFgty

[Matthew Zerilli @reallyZerilli]

@brettmercer_ I can’t wait to test my new catchphrase there: “Why don’t you pull THAT up Jaime! This guy knows what I’m talking about *points to Jaime*”

[Matthew Zerilli @reallyZerilli]

On This Season on Yellowstone: A 1923 crossover episode where Spencer and Alex finally make it to Montana in their 120s and die on the porch.

[We geeeet it, travel was hard in the 1920s 🙄]

[Matthew Zerilli @reallyZerilli]

@JasonEAlt As it is blasphemy to deface the cupcake in any way, you must detach your lower jaw and ingest it whole in one snake-like effort. Welcome to the 1%.

[Matthew Zerilli @reallyZerilli]

@Mark_Roebuck It’s about time this guy chalk up a win in life

[Matthew Zerilli @reallyZerilli]

@mtgreenee How could someone do this?! I mean, to yell at someone while they are working with total disregard for their surrounding and onlookers?! Simply because of a difference of political views no less?!? I am on my way to the pearls store to start a’clutchin’

[Matthew Zerilli @reallyZerilli]

Do dyslexic lawyers send cyst and decease letters?

[Matthew Zerilli @reallyZerilli]

@soberfurious I wish, have fun!

[Matthew Zerilli @reallyZerilli]

@brettmercer_ Bob Lobblaws online law blog