Dr. Benjamin F. Bauer, MD

CEO of #FuckAmazon. Pediatrician. Veterinarian. Drinker (I can stop whenever). Ex-husband. Son. Lakers fan. Coca Cola with Coffee fanatic. #MyLife

[Dr. Benjamin F. Bauer, MD @realthreechainz]

Became a notary public just so I can stamp bitches. You out on the town putting out for another man? Aight. He finna see that notary stamp and know your mine!

[Dr. Benjamin F. Bauer, MD @realthreechainz]

@MatthewKeysLive @JackBox You never imbibed behind the wheel, mike?

[Dr. Benjamin F. Bauer, MD @realthreechainz]

In California on business and stopped by @JackBox while drunk driving back to my
hotel last night. craving theyre tacos! what do you know had three peaces of pubic hair on one taco. disgusted! call me asap @JackBox

[Dr. Benjamin F. Bauer, MD @realthreechainz]

@MatthewKeysLive @JackBox why

[Dr. Benjamin F. Bauer, MD @realthreechainz]

DATING IS VERY DIFFICILT FOR ME AS SOMEONE WITH SOUL TIES WITH EVERY WOMAN IVE EVER SO MUCH AS TOUCHED OR JERKED OFF TO ALSO IM SELFISH AND PREFER DRUGS AND ALCOHOL TO THE IDEA OF HAVING CHILDREN SMASH THE RT BUTTON IF YOU RELATE FAM

[Dr. Benjamin F. Bauer, MD @realthreechainz]

In honour of LeBron James debuting with the Philadelphia Sixers tonite I am reminiscing on when my teen band Cum On Tits Manic Sex Show released a song called Philadelphia Sexers and it was a song about how we wanted to fuck women in philadelphia. Nothin deep just real music!

[Dr. Benjamin F. Bauer, MD @realthreechainz]

Happy Indigenous Peoples Day to the good f*lx who occupied this land millennia before my ilk were occupyin wall street! Many people associate the indigenous with “cowboys vs indians” or other such tropes but they actually nuanced individuals with feelings and names like me or you

[Dr. Benjamin F. Bauer, MD @realthreechainz]

Misread a campaign sign that said County Treasurer as Cunty Treasurer lmao. inspired, i told my interns at #FuckAmazon that we need a cunty treasurer and one of them said ben you cant say that. i said you mean i cunt say that. she slapped me and quit lol

[Dr. Benjamin F. Bauer, MD @realthreechainz]

@hansenkourtney how many you got?

[Dr. Benjamin F. Bauer, MD @realthreechainz]

because of this, i often on a first date will provide women with a list of these red flags. i will challenge teh woman to provide me with a list of hers. this tends to offend the women. great. if their unwilling to be transparent within 5 mins of meeting me ion want them!

[Dr. Benjamin F. Bauer, MD @realthreechainz]

as a man with many red flags such as my crippling drug and alcohol use, serial cheating, inappropriate boundaries, history of physical confrontations with celebrities, untreated mental illness I wear as a badge of honor and more, i still view myself as a catch.

[Dr. Benjamin F. Bauer, MD @realthreechainz]

Lot of bad bitches in my life did “eurosummer” this summer.

As a contrarian by nature I am seriously considering doing “antarctica winter.” The life hack is winter here is summer there.

Told my boy Josh about the plan and he accused me of wanting to fuck the penguins. wtf

[Dr. Benjamin F. Bauer, MD @realthreechainz]

@kylekuzma @NYCMayor Hey @kylekuzma as a washed basketball player, what is your response to the NBA attacks on the Los Angeles Clippers? The Clippers are a distinct poverty franchise, but attacks have put the Nets, Pelicans, and Wizard on alert. Do you condemn them? Thoughts?

[Dr. Benjamin F. Bauer, MD @realthreechainz]

Aight this the week i get my shit togehter ive onl had 3 beers so far this morning. not a single shot of liquor. shaking a lot but this is progress. please respond "#BensSobrietyJourney2026" if you stand with me in this trying time

[Dr. Benjamin F. Bauer, MD @realthreechainz]

needless to say we’re done and she was so pissed at me she told my main girl and my other side ho about us and now those done too. damn. where the wifey types at fr. am i doin somethin wrong, god? fuck this shit man. i shouldve become. a priest.

[Dr. Benjamin F. Bauer, MD @realthreechainz]

sometimes i feel like i just aint meant to find love. last night i was with my side ho and while she was takin a shit (ew) i went thru her phone and saw texts between her and another dude. i charged in on her in the bathroom and was so upset i vomited on her as she was shittin

[Dr. Benjamin F. Bauer, MD @realthreechainz]

25 years ago today I was nine; growing up in an upper middle class home in the denver suburbs. I lived an idyllic life. Then: 9/11. Fast forward to now. I am a raging alcoholic and cocaine addict with several untreated mental illnesses. Fuck you Osama. You stole my innocence.

[Dr. Benjamin F. Bauer, MD @realthreechainz]

I’m such a fucking degenerate dog. I drunk dmd candace owens this morning saying ik todays hard for her due to the kirkaversary and told her id be dtf. why do i do this shit man. im a leftist labour leader. i gotta get help man. fuck. also candace said sure lmao

[Dr. Benjamin F. Bauer, MD @realthreechainz]

Evergreen!!!!

[Dr. Benjamin F. Bauer, MD @realthreechainz]

The year ending has made me reflect on the assassination of Charlie Kirk. I met Charlie once, when we appeared on the same podcast in March. We bonded over our shared love of Nicki Minaj. I hope ur in heaven pissin on amazon distribution centers from the sky mr. kirk. #ripcharlie

[Dr. Benjamin F. Bauer, MD @realthreechainz]

happy labour day to all. many have noticed i did not have my annual clothing optional labour day picnic this year. i recently learned that my father john “pussy j” bauer is not my biological father and i am at a loss. please pray for me.