when someone asks me to go out and i say yes without thinking about my crippling savings account because time is meant to be wasted with friends and money is meant to be spent and the world is meant to be experienced and life is meant to be lived
I told my therapist, "I feel safest when I do everything alone." She didn't even ask why. She just said:
"That's not independence. That's grief." And I swear, I felt something in me break open. Because it is grief, isn't it? Grief for every time you asked for help and no one showed up. Grief for being the child who had to hold it all together while everyone else fell apart. Grief for realizing, way too young, that no one was ever really coming to save you. You didn't choose to be strong you had to be. Because breaking wasn't safe. Crying didn't change anything. And needing people only led to disappointment, guilt, or punishment. So you grew up over-prepared. You move through life with backup plans for your backup plans. You, double check doors, messages, emotions-everything. You carry the weight of "I'll handle it" even when you're breaking inside. People call you "independent," but they don't see the version of you who secretly wants to collapse in someone's arms and actually be caught this time.