robert

I actually live in Transylvania

[robert @robertinthemid]

For the first time in my life I have man boobs thanks a lot Dr. Jack Newman!

#ManBoobsFromBreastfeeding
#ThanksDrJackNewman
#BreastfeedingHumor
#DadBodGoals
#MilkDad
#BreastfeedingDadJokes
#NewDadProblems
#LactationTransformation
#BoobieTrap

[robert @robertinthemid]

@MumOfTw0 @TheREALMessyMom By the time mine goes to sleep he’ll be racking up those career achievement awards

[robert @robertinthemid]

@TheMomHack “Finally alone”

[robert @robertinthemid]

@dadmann_walking This guy making us look bad

[robert @robertinthemid]

Just when you think you've got this parenting thing figured out, your kid decides to face morph into @GwynethPaltrow speak latin in reverse and starts crawling on the ceiling, when her head cracks a 180 locks eyes and hisses you know all bets are off.

#goops

[robert @robertinthemid]

@Social_Mime Hashtag erection

[robert @robertinthemid]

@Social_Mime Me and the little one can relate unless it’s morning, then we all good.

[robert @robertinthemid]

At the register she whips it out:
DADDY You forgot to pay for the toy you emphasis HID in my pocket.

Long story short I payed 4$ and a world of embarrassment for that piece of shit chicken!

[robert @robertinthemid]

Set scene: me and daughter at supermarket
Me: Do you want anything, kiddo?
Eva: This really shitty toy chicken for 2$ that's going to shed in the car and will probably break in like 45 seconds.

So I thought ... Ok imma steal it for her so I grab it and put it in her pocket ...

[robert @robertinthemid]

I love this kid to bits but not going down for her.

[robert @robertinthemid]

@mommajessiec

[robert @robertinthemid]

Day 94 of kindergarten: my daughter Eva is convinced that kdg is just a trap so that we don’t have to look after her all day. She's not wrong, but my boss eerily reminds me of her minus the hugs n kisses sometimes piss. #KindergartenProblems #ParentingLife

[robert @robertinthemid]

"Started a support group for people who accidentally like their own tweets. It's called "Free Andrew Tate" #Oops #Awkward #TwitterFails" 😂👍 #SocialMediaMishaps #TweetFailures #Humor #Oopsie #TwitterAddict" 😄📱👍🤣 #FunnyTweets #FollowMeForLaughs #TwitterHumor

[robert @robertinthemid]

@CNN Not Seinfeld tho 🤫

[robert @robertinthemid]

This is really smart ! It certainly paid off for Nokia and BB!

https://t.co/MjQW3KgOAX

[robert @robertinthemid]

@pecmoney @CNN Do you blame heroine in OD ? If not then why have drug laws ? Also to drive a car you need some training and tests?

[robert @robertinthemid]

@CNN Reporter: What laws can y’all make to stop gun violence?
Ken Buck: How bout them Mexicans at the border ?

[robert @robertinthemid]

@Cobratate A real MAN would use Pen and Paper.