Tom Rolfe

I'm a pretty big wheel down at the cracker factory

[Tom Rolfe @rolfebox]

@currys is too woke these days. it's PC World gone mad

[Tom Rolfe @rolfebox]

@SportsStuff88 @OptaJoe Thank you!! This goal somehow totally passed me by, even though I drew Morocco in the sweepstake!

[Tom Rolfe @rolfebox]

@OptaJoe I'm running a WC sweepstake and having trouble finding accurate stats for the longest-distance goal so far. Messi, Paik Seung-ho, and Tchouameni's strikes all look pretty similar to me. Any idea? Thanks!

[Tom Rolfe @rolfebox]

everyone knows smoking and drinking is bad for you, but people like it so much they do it anyway.

that’s how I feel about shoving cotton buds in my ears. your science means nothing to me, I cannot be stopped

[Tom Rolfe @rolfebox]

my screenplay barely features any instances of butter, flour, and milk being cooked into a sauce. I’m never gonna pass the béchamel test

[Tom Rolfe @rolfebox]

@SaveloyPrincess Oh hell yeah my dude! Love, a Real Journalist

[Tom Rolfe @rolfebox]

@AdamAttley hell yeah!! I started (very casually) aiming towards this recently and I'm up to 30 so far. 100 is very impressive

[Tom Rolfe @rolfebox]

@AdamAttley I'm new to twitter where is the angry cry react

[Tom Rolfe @rolfebox]

@AdventuresOfZip @sophiehbishop I guess we know who's getting gunged next time 😏

[Tom Rolfe @rolfebox]

one time I promoted my set at @sophiehbishop's comedy night by saying I would gunge her on stage. complete strangers were so horny for the giddy prospect of a live gunging that 3 years later it's still the only topic in my 'message requests' chat folder

[Tom Rolfe @rolfebox]

@sophiehbishop let's be real here, it's highly unlikely 100,000,000+ older ladies disapprove of you. sad to see you peddling clickbait fake news tbh. unless you expect me to belieb this is some kind of magic penny worth more than a regular penny. kind regards tom rolfe

[Tom Rolfe @rolfebox]

wow it's so hot wish there was some kind of bean juice cocktail I could slurp down https://t.co/MzRM5nAZo1

[Tom Rolfe @rolfebox]

100k retweets and I will track down pete for a live gunge experience

[Tom Rolfe @rolfebox]

@AdamAttley I burned my arm on a bubbling pot of molten mushy peas about five years ago and the mark only recently faded

F

[Tom Rolfe @rolfebox]

Skee-lo sweet chariot

[Tom Rolfe @rolfebox]

hey stranger do you like beans? https://t.co/z1f8JxsVjN

[Tom Rolfe @rolfebox]

new hobby: farting in the yankee candle store and waiting for someone to compliment the scent

[Tom Rolfe @rolfebox]

an enemy is just a friend you haven’t challenged to a duel yet

[Tom Rolfe @rolfebox]

I'm actually LIVING INSIDE a classic dad pun today by visiting the dental hygienist at tooth-hurty PM

[Tom Rolfe @rolfebox]

You know you're a badass when you get seasick from two minutes on a swinging garden chair