Albert Ross

Dumb, shallow and generally beige

[Albert Ross @ross_albert]

Due to an overconsumption of licorice this weekend, I’ve released more fragrances than Beyoncé

[Albert Ross @ross_albert]

@RealBobMortimer
Just going North on the M1 and pulled in to Toddington Services, no better place for a Tod!

[Albert Ross @ross_albert]

Chippendales last show of the year will finish with a great finale. All the guys will stand side by side and turn their testicles into a human Newton’s Cradle

Tickets available from my garage, some pounds each.

[Albert Ross @ross_albert]

End of season scent clearance - Aftersun and Fags - a heady combination sure to invoke memories of Magaluf. 2ltrs spray now only £5.17

[Albert Ross @ross_albert]

Scotland have been battered, ironically

[Albert Ross @ross_albert]

Are crinkle cut chips the same as normal chips, but have been in the bath too long?

[Albert Ross @ross_albert]

She’s a ladle, wooo ohhh ohh she’s a ladle, talking about my wooden ladle, and the ladle is mine. And I serve soup to my friends with it.

[Albert Ross @ross_albert]

Had a cheese sandwich today. Prefer bread.

[Albert Ross @ross_albert]

Are crinkle cut crisps normal crisps that have been in the bath too long?

[Albert Ross @ross_albert]

Kelly Holmes or Eamon Holmes or Sherlock Holmes, which is better to build a conservatory on?

[Albert Ross @ross_albert]

We’re having a debate, chicken drumsticks or turkey drumsticks....which make the best sound?

[Albert Ross @ross_albert]

Had a cucumber sandwich today. Prefer bread.

[Albert Ross @ross_albert]

Lumpy undies? We have a solution, just pop over to the lab on Wednesdays, 6:43 am

[bob mortimer @RealBobMortimer]

You can lead a horse to water but you can’t dismantle a fire escape with a chutney bottle

[Albert Ross @ross_albert]

It’s that time of year again

[Albert Ross @ross_albert]

Interesting experiment in the lab today, chocolate crumbs mixed with crystal meth - quite moorish but also a little bitter

[Albert Ross @ross_albert]

Empty squeezy cheese tubes available, idea for Christmas cracker innards or shoes for a pet squid

[Albert Ross @ross_albert]

International pencil rubber designers party conference, Tuesday, bench in Belvedere Park, South East gate, 3am. Be prompt, limited seating. Free to members, or six and three quarter quid