ryan montanti

writer of words. petter of animals. eater of snacks. @reductress @mcsweeneys @thisisrobotbutt

[ryan montanti @rrryza]

Breaking: Trump removes all periods from White House website. Says they’re gross.

[ryan montanti @rrryza]

I’m not saying @PlayDoh tastes good, but why doesn’t it taste worse?

[ryan montanti @rrryza]

@verizonfios My son’s favorite ‘toy’ is our Fios remote. So naturally we’re having a Fios themed first birthday party for him, remote cake and all. Do Fios balloons exist???

[ryan montanti @rrryza]

Officially hit the age where all my friends’ pets are dying.

[ryan montanti @rrryza]

@clhubes Same, Bud. Same.

[ryan montanti @rrryza]

@Allegiant annnnnnd your online chat feature is "out of order"

[ryan montanti @rrryza]

@Allegiant How do you get in touch with anyone there about a lost phone? Your lost and found number says mailbox full and your customer service has been busy all morning.

[ryan montanti @rrryza]

I said it once and I'll say it again... https://t.co/o58oVII5Kx via @reductress

[ryan montanti @rrryza]

Free bit for anyone getting married soon and having a father/daughter or mother/son dance. Before your real song, play the first few notes of Pony by Ginuwine.

[ryan montanti @rrryza]

@NeatGibson Don’t sleep on Kiri and Lou.

[ryan montanti @rrryza]

Women go through menopause. Men take up cycling. It’s nature’s way.

[ryan montanti @rrryza]

@MichaelRCaputo @Pink Holy shit. Jerry Garcia would have HATED you.

[ryan montanti @rrryza]

Atheists should be the only people allowed in government because we think all religions are equally bananas. Which means we treat all religions exactly the same. It’s all nonsense to us, but we believe in your right to do your nonsense as long as you don’t force it on each other.

[ryan montanti @rrryza]

@united after sitting in newark airport through 7 hours of flight delays with an infant and 2 year old, you canceled our flight and now can’t locate our checked bags. Little help please???

[ryan montanti @rrryza]

@gbgator23 @united The baggage people are saying they are not processing claims. Sorry to hijack your thread! @united canceled my flight and won’t give me bags back either.

[ryan montanti @rrryza]

Either my 2 year old doesn’t realize I’m skipping pages in her Moana book or she’s fine with the obvious plot holes.

[ryan montanti @rrryza]

Judge Jackson deserves more than a seat on the Supreme Court, she deserves a Nobel peace prize for not bitch slapping @tedcruz right now.

[ryan montanti @rrryza]

Remember MoviePass? Damn, we had it good.

[ryan montanti @rrryza]

Just found out my father in law breaks down cardboard for recycling by ripping it into itty bitty pieces. Did I marry into a family of psychopaths? Or has anyone heard of this before??

[ryan montanti @rrryza]

Turns out the movie, Mystic Pizza is not the movie, Loverboy. I can’t be the ONLY one to make that mistake. Can I?

[ryan montanti @rrryza]

The part of aging they don’t warn you about… when suddenly Aleksandr Petrovsky isn’t that gross anymore. #satc