RunwayDan

Behold my many, many rules for interacting with me.

[RunwayDan @RunwayDan]

And then the little dog would say "yo quiero Taco Bell" and we would all laugh and laugh. It was a simpler time.

[RunwayDan @RunwayDan]

@datadriven_tdoc He's a cheater. Cheaters deserve nothing but scorn.

[RunwayDan @RunwayDan]

@evanwch You really are hanging out with some horrible people if you even thought to type these words. What a sad existence.

[Dinah @dinahaddie]

do the people who climb Mount Everest know they don’t have to

[RunwayDan @RunwayDan]

@north0fnorth Most people don't like being in places with strangers who are scary and bad which, if you were dealing in good faith, you would acknowledge.

[RunwayDan @RunwayDan]

@boriquagato I don't think they can't see it; I think they see it very clearly. But they can't admit that, they have to pretend, and for as long as I live I will never understand what force is compelling them.

[Damon Hunzeker @DamonHunzeker]

I thought the Family Dollar cashier loved me because she kept laughing at everything I said, but it turns out she doesn’t speak English and was merely being polite. I made a “whoops, sorry” gesture, and now her manager says we are to be wed in the morrow.

[Kip Conlon @kipconlon]

“Spelunker.” Such a funny word. Anyway, have they found your husband yet?

[Skurt Vonnegut @ThisLocalHater]

Wolves wear shirts with me on them

[RunwayDan @RunwayDan]

@PeterSimple7695 @terrybythebay @billybinion Terry buried the lede: The accuser is a Zionist.

[RunwayDan @RunwayDan]

@terrybythebay @LennyGoodnight @billybinion You had me up until the last sentence, and blew your credibility all to hell.

[Steven Godofsky @sgodofsk]

George Will's son Jon has Down syndrome. In 2013, he wrote this celebrating Jon's 40th birthday.

[Annie Hatfield @AnneHatfieldVO]

My birth trauma? More of a mild surprise. An annoyance, tbh.

[Khan Noonien Singh @wtfcetialpha5]

Happy Wrath of Khan day.

[RunwayDan @RunwayDan]

@SameFormulaZero @sappholives83 These words games make you sound like an idiot.

[Sunshine Jarboly @SunshineJarboly]

*war & peace for super dummies*
first there was war, then there was peace. the end.

[SentientBunnySuit🐰 @SuitSentient]

I name birds. That one's Brenda.

[Sunshine Jarboly @SunshineJarboly]

me, on the phone with the 911 operator: {whispering} yeah, that spider’s back.

[Horatio Quartzjixler @Quartzjixler]

If I share my Beaufort Wind Scale/Saffir-Simpson Hurricane Wind Scale chart with you then I recognize and honor the nerd in you.

[SentientBunnySuit🐰 @SuitSentient]

Sometimes you have to fight fire with fire, but usually you have to fight scissors with rock.

[RunwayDan @RunwayDan]

@Beachnut222 @irishcodpiece @Riley_Gaines_ I sincerely hope, given the cavalier attitude you have towards young women, and the casual misogyny of these tweets, that you are not the “proud papa” of a girl.