ryan kushner

These tweets I have shored against my ruins. Lost X account in a card game with some very dangerous people. My writing can be found in the linktree below!

[ryan kushner @ryanjkushner]

Whenever the dentist tells me to put my shirt back on

[ryan kushner @ryanjkushner]

Draft purge complete. Now, I rest

[ryan kushner @ryanjkushner]

Me: This Thanksgiving I am grateful for never mixing up my holidays. Oh crap, nvm, it’s Easter.

United Airlines Pilot: Sir, please give me back the controls!

[ryan kushner @ryanjkushner]

I hate astrology because it forces me to remember I was born

[ryan kushner @ryanjkushner]

Been wracking my brain about this for days and so far all I got is, “Was Moe really like that?!”

[ryan kushner @ryanjkushner]

I was part of Seal Team 7. We found Bin Laden a studio apartment near the bunker that had much better rent

[ryan kushner @ryanjkushner]

If you don’t stand for anything eventually dat ass is gonna get hella sore

[ryan kushner @ryanjkushner]

Who needs an automatic car when I can just put a brick on the gas pedal and go to sleep in the back seat

[ryan kushner @ryanjkushner]

Stood with my hand on a car for two days only to find out it wasn’t one of those win-a-car contests

[ryan kushner @ryanjkushner]

Where is this “tree museum” that the song references? A dollar and a half admission is actually a really good deal

[ryan kushner @ryanjkushner]

My therapy dog has a higher degree than me

[ryan kushner @ryanjkushner]

Seth Rogen hasn’t posted about his dumb vases in a while (trying to start a feud)

[ryan kushner @ryanjkushner]

Doctor looks at my chart, shakes his head sadly, a tear in his eye. “You’re fine,” he says. He punches the wall. My doctor friggen hates my guts and was hoping something was wrong with me.

[ryan kushner @ryanjkushner]

POV you’re drunk at a Mariano’s and the checkout machine just told you to place your item in the bagging area

[ryan kushner @ryanjkushner]

When a guy at the bar challenges me to lift one of my eyebrows

[ryan kushner @ryanjkushner]

The staff at Chipotle keep filming me

[ryan kushner @ryanjkushner]

Got asked to leave a screening of Inside Out 2 because I kept reading Shakespeare sonnets really loud every time the dad showed up on the screen

[ryan kushner @ryanjkushner]

Would love to be on trial sometime. Everyone talking about me for hours? That is the dream.

[ryan kushner @ryanjkushner]

“Each unhappy Family Dollar is unhappy in its own way” - Tolstore

[ryan kushner @ryanjkushner]

https://t.co/6pKGmOoh10

[ryan kushner @ryanjkushner]

Been saving this 2007 bad boy for if I ever get to see Pitbull live