Sad Newpaper

I joined Twitter because somebody said it was trying to kill me, but little birds have been shitting on me for centuries.

[Sad Newpaper @sadnewspaper]

Goodbye cruel world! Who would've thought I'd be outlived by Larry King?

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This is a fate worse than death. The last push into obsolescence came from something that sounds like a feminine hygiene product.

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Welp, they released the iPad. It's been a good run, folks. I'm going to go swallow a bunch of booze and pills.

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Booze budget was the first thing to go after the last budget cuts. I wanted to boot the copy editors, but someoen siad the're improtrant.

[Sad Newpaper @sadnewspaper]

I need a drink.

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What's Conan doing after tonight? Maybe we can get an apartment together. Sigh.

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Sorry. Forgot about the write-like-a-fifth-grader rule. To clarify: I don't have ears because I'm not people.

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How was that Haiti concert? It's going to be all over my front page tomorrow, but I'm not anthropomorphic enough to have ears.

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@williampd not if I call "shotgun."

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James Cameron got back to me re: movie pitch. He said he'll do it in five years as a historical piece. Because I'll be dead by then.

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Did you know: That @happynewspaper is actually just filled with @rewrittenpressreleases?

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I figure he didn't come up with a new plot so why should I? Also, because it's about newspapers it will be 2D instead of 3D & black & white.

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I just pitched a movie to James Cameron where a rebel iPhone tries to help save a noble savage planet of newspapers. Working title: iVatar.

[Sad Newpaper @sadnewspaper]

Speaking of booze, it's almost lunch time.

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A homeless man slept on me last night. He was smelly, but quick to share his booze.

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*liked, in the past tense. My copy editor is on furlough.

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Confession: I never like the "Peanuts" cartoon. Charlie Brown was such a clod.

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Since the publisher cut my page size, I'm worried I'm not wide enough to fit pictures of Rush Limbaugh's head.

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@coxn I'm a newspaper. Irony is lost on me.