Ruben Salazar

Box for fun,write to get shit off my mind,south paw,never lost a fight physically or verbal and freud don't got shit on my psyche.

[Ruben Salazar @salazarsboxing]

She used Vaseline to give me a hand job and I came three times in the shower trying to wash it off.

[Lady Lawya @Parkerlawyer]

A judge said that I had to do a deposition on a Saturday if my M-F schedule was unavailable.

I responded, “I’m sorry, what? It sounded like you said I had to do a deposition on a Saturday. Why not Sunday since I’m obviously doing the Lord’s work.”

Anyway I need bail money.

[SHANtilly Lace @theshantilly]

*brings choreography to a knife fight

[Ruben Salazar @salazarsboxing]

Sorry I didn't invite your mom over for the Super Bowl party
The stripper pole broke so she would've had to sit on the couch like normal ppl

[Ruben Salazar @salazarsboxing]

If you passed notes in high school without getting caught.

You could have a promising career being a prison drug mule.

[Ruben Salazar @salazarsboxing]

Bartender: So what do you do for a living?
Carpenter: I fix roofies.
Bartender: Me too!

[Julie Burke @moxieblogger]

I use proper syntax and punctuation on all of my tweets, unless I am in danger of exceeding the 140 character limit...

& then u no how it b

[private citizen @MourningGlory4]

Him: I like you

Me: Just wait

[private citizen @MourningGlory4]

You call it paranoia. I call it total awareness.

[private citizen @MourningGlory4]

Whenever someone tells me they get a "high" from running, all I'm thinking is, "You've obviously never been high before."

[private citizen @MourningGlory4]

Be nice to everyone you meet...they could be on the jury at your trial someday.

[private citizen @MourningGlory4]

I only came back to Twitter because my brother is starting to do a damn good job at embarrassing my family on Facebook.

[Scott McLaughlin @DaMacandCheese]

Something is wrong with the world if Winnie Cooper doesn't name her child Mini Cooper.

[Johnny Castle @BlueDream_2008]

Earthquakes, terrorism, racism, hatred, war, murder, natural disasters, welcome to earth.

[Guy Dangerous @Lerky]

Be a gent and hold her hair back when she does a line

[Jack Thanatos @TheDjinnTrials]

That moment when you realize you're just part of Fate's cheesy B-Movie...

[Gone @moreofffme]

I hate it when I get followed by some decent dads and then I have to mind my language for like a day or two.