Sam Maurer

On a train, devouring the land.

[Sam Maurer @samandmau]

Jeff not watching Frasier violates my free speech rights

[Sam Maurer @samandmau]

I have one unsent tweet and it's about salad dressing, you will never read it

[Sam Maurer @samandmau]

@psyfe truly, it was a close one, but, "Yeah man yeast fucking love splenda" was the best tweet

[Sam Maurer @samandmau]

ain't it hard keepin' it so hardcore

[Sam Maurer @samandmau]

@psyfe gaga_car_meme.png

[Sam Maurer @samandmau]

Cate Blanchett (2022)

[Sam Maurer @samandmau]

in 2024 Dixville Notch is going to close its polls and 1 second later Wassername will tweet "Democrats have hemorrhaged 80 million votes compared to 2020"

[Sam Maurer @samandmau]

pov ya boy's wicked smaht

[Sam Maurer @samandmau]

@exadyto STÁRT

[Sam Maurer @samandmau]

screaming into void you should bake julia child's souffle recipe for 28 minutes instead of 25

[Sam Maurer @samandmau]

@julp what about elizabeth

[Sam Maurer @samandmau]

both the Phantom Regiment's arrangement and Benny + Björn's "Anthem" from the musical Chess improve upon Shostakovich's original orchestration of "The Fire of Eternal Glory"

[Sam Maurer @samandmau]

I'd better post my special toast recipe while Twitter is still around--whole wheat toast with tahini, flaky salt, turbinado sugar, black pepper, and cocoa nibs

[Sam Maurer @samandmau]

I must not snack, snacks are the mind-killer

[Sam Maurer @samandmau]

hey Siri set a Google alert for Dr Oz concession speech

[Sam Maurer @samandmau]

all this to say, if I went to one of his houses and he served me raw broccoli with salsa and tequila shots, I would have to admit—this dinner greatly exceeded my expectations

[Sam Maurer @samandmau]

in November 2014, the cafeteria at my office had informational placards at every table featuring Thanksgiving diet tips from Dr Oz, and they included (4) do a 1 oz shot of vinegar to pregame; (5) Only Eat Pie Filling

[Sam Maurer @samandmau]

ask yourself what Wordle means to you

[Sam Maurer @samandmau]

Michelle could learn Well-Tempered Clavier, but could Cate KO someone with one pinky accompanied by the home run bat sound effect from Super Smash Bros?

[Sam Maurer @samandmau]

sending all my good twetes now honestly

[Sam Maurer @samandmau]

me: maybe don't police what other people put in their bodies

also me: YOU DON'T EAT BREAKFFAAAAAAAAAAST?!?!?!?

[Sam Maurer @samandmau]

@exadyto saw it written somewhere last year re: Levine that "he wasn't a genius with a single tragic flaw, he was a terrible person with a single tragic talent"