Joe

Asshole 👨‍🍳

[Joe @sandjoeman]

Girl, you’ve got the face of an aardvark. Maybe sit this one out with your political views.

[ashley noelle @ash_isawitch]

You’d be a lot cuter if you had coffee.

[Willie @FrankieBuIIshit]

My ducks aren’t in a row, they’re not even related.

[Marcmywords @Marcmywords2]

Autocorrect changed sex tape to mix tape, so looks like I’ll be masturbating to the sweet sounds of Taylor, Alanis, and Adele… this could take a while.

[Cabo 🍳🇺🇸 @Shot_Of_Cabo]

Put a penny in your mouth and we'll call it copper head.

[Carmella Cannoli @piccolobutt]

I’m out of chocolate milk and that’s a real concern.

[you already know @DrinkingDad_2]

I absolutely will judge someone by what they name their dog.

[尺乇乃乇ccﾑ @cheeky__gal]

Easter had us wearing a bonnet like we were headed to church in 1892.

[Bitz @bitzydimbo]

the only thing better than a bacon cheeseburger is a bacon cheeseburger calzone.

[Horatio Quartzjixler @Quartzjixler]

Have you ever met someone with a standing desk that you didn't want to slap at least once?

[Horatio Quartzjixler @Quartzjixler]

"Whose pussy is this?" is actually a pretty common question down at the Fleshlight factory.

[Carmella Cannoli @piccolobutt]

Daily affirmation:

You’re not the best looking but also not the ugliest.

[Marcmywords @Marcmywords2]

I don't care what the stripper told you, Google Search is not a substitute for an education.

[𝓜𝓮𝓵𝓪𝓷𝓲𝓮 @MelDutchie]

Older men don’t care about your wrinkles, they wanna know about the flexibility of your personality and your holes.

[🇨🇦𖤐 Father Red McGee 𖤐 🇨🇦 @FatherRedMcgee]

Being thin is sexy.
Being thick is sexy.
Being the human vessel for a 6000 year demon is sexy.

[尺乇乃乇ccﾑ @cheeky__gal]

Welcome to your 40s, where everyone you know is either married, divorced, or on a CPAP machine.

[X🇨🇦 @FFmaxhyde]

The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any.

~Alice Walker

[Darla @ddsmidt]

I say “I’m not a spring chicken anymore“ a lot, given the fact I’ve never actually been a spring chicken.

[𝓜𝓮𝓵𝓪𝓷𝓲𝓮 @MelDutchie]

I knew you were hacked when you asked me how I was doing.

[Horatio Quartzjixler @Quartzjixler]

What Twitter really needs is a button that mass blocks people who have virtue signaling "flags du jour" in their bios.

[Carmella Cannoli @piccolobutt]

If you joined this app when it was called X, please do not refer to yourself as OG.