Très Bae

[Très Bae @Sawyer_Sheff21]

Let me slip into something more comfortable ;)
*slips into a coma and never wakes up*

[Très Bae @Sawyer_Sheff21]

@poontangman4206 @KnaFNX @DramaAlert It has the same caffeine as my pre-workout. If you wouldn't let your child drink pre-workout, don't let your child drink this. It's not that difficult. Gearing society towards idiots is only going to promote idiocy.

[Très Bae @Sawyer_Sheff21]

@nobodynobody199 @moo54850213 @PIX11News I dunno, that Lance dude did pretty well with only 2/3 of your requirements.

[luke warm tweets @lukejarret]

STOP👏WASTING👏FIREFIGHTERS’👏TIME👏GETTING👏CATS👏OUT👏OF👏TREES👏EMPLOY👏GIRAFFES👏TO👏DO👏IT👏UNLESS👏GIRAFFES👏WOULD👏EAT👏THE👏CATS👏I👏DIDN’T👏DO👏THE👏RESEARCH👏

[Muscle Brussel @RedRoom21]

Say what you want about wallet chains but nobody has ever stolen my wallet or tried to be my friend.

[m@thew @TweetPotato314]

Google: and you want to represent us?

Me: yes, I am very qualified

Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room

Me: overruled

[katie @katefeetie]

If you’re worried the 70% marginal tax rate on income over $10mil will someday affect you, remember that the hit on John Wick in John Wick 2 was only $7 million. You would have to kill almost 1.5 John Wicks to hit that tax bracket.

[Très Bae @Sawyer_Sheff21]

@ShelbyHintze Remind them that they would have to suck dick to have the water released.

[Très Bae @Sawyer_Sheff21]

@BrianaHooker Get 4 of them and you can justify the bargain of saving a dollar as well.

[Air @ayoair]

RT this if you watch Netflix with subtitles on I’m tryna prove a point

[Rad Wizzy @RadWizzy]

*sips wine from a Pringles can* "yeah I know a thing or two about Nascar."

[juul @aIlsaints]

did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign?

aries: yes
taurus: yes
gemini: yes
cancer: yes
leo: no
virgo: yes
libra: yes
scorpio: yes
sagittarius: yes
capricorn: yes
aquarius: yes
pisces: yes

[Reverend Scott @Reverend_Scott]

[job interview]

Interviewer: what's your greatest fear

Me: I'd say bears that know jujitsu

Interviewer: I mean in the workplace

Me: [leans in close] ʷʰʸ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ ʷᵒᵘˡᵈ ʸᵒᵘ ˡᵉᵗ ʲᵘʲᶦᵗˢᵘ ᵇᵉᵃʳˢ ʷᵒʳᵏ ʰᵉʳᵉ

[ringworm @prawn_meat]

donkey kong being a villain in industrial settings and a hero in jungle settings is a perfect illustration of what the unabomber was talking about

[Andy Ryan @ItsAndyRyan]

Me: I'm an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they're all birds

[Abbie @AbbieEvansXO]

Me: they’re my service bees

Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you

Me: they’re trained

[Elon Musk @elonmusk]

@JamesLandino im actually cat girl here’s selfie rn