scott crisp

Writer and comedian from Dallas, Texas. I enjoy the smell of shopping malls and once saw the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile.

[scott crisp @scottcrispson]

JUDAS: (Betrays Jesus Christ for 30 pieces of silver)
JIM ROSS (disgusted): Just doesn’t get any lower than that, King.
JERRY LAWLER: Oldest trick in the book! Ha ha!

[scott crisp @scottcrispson]

Just saw Mavs Man purchasing a shotgun from Academy Sports and Outdoors. His eyes were glassy and his voice sounded like he'd been crying?

[Marc Stein @TheSteinLine]

STORY UPDATE: A source close to Mavericks owner Patrick Dumont tells @TheSteinLine tonight that “the team is not for sale and the (Adelson and Dumont) families look forward to expanding their ownership stake over time.”

[swagner @BayouBikeyBoi]

If only they had done this earlier then maybe Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton wouldn’t have cheated on his wife

[Simpsons Quotes @Simpsons_tweets]

That team sure did suck last night.

[Mysterious Alloys @fritolaysia]

Some John Birch Society guy probably got inexplicably mad about this

[Nick Harris @NickHarrisFWST]

Yeah, D-Law cashed this

[Ounka @OunkaOnX]

Kevin O'Leary - "The average person is not worrying about Epstein. They don't give a damn"

[juju 💰 @ayeejuju]

“not a sign of wrongdoing”

[scott crisp @scottcrispson]

I'm always saying this

[Cristiano Ronaldo @Cristiano]

Success is not an accident 🟡🔵

[Actual Names @ActualNames1]

Mary Butt Farmer

England, Wiltshire, Church Records, 1518-1990

[scott crisp @scottcrispson]

Everyone who's still waiting around for the housing market to get better needs to grow up, get their head out of the clouds & throw their support behind my idea to use Honey I Shrunk the Kids tech to shrink ourselves down to a size where we can live in tree hollows like owls.

[Evan Grant @Evan_P_Grant]

In six months, Dallas has lost Luka Doncic & Micah Parsons.

[scott crisp @scottcrispson]

Hiring my biggest hater to come over and polish my 2007 Fort Worth Star-Telegram Reader's Choice Best TV Newswoman award and then organize all the other stuff I found in Gloria Campos's trash.

[scott crisp @scottcrispson]

???

[scott crisp @scottcrispson]

Scooby Doo Villain: ... and I would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you nosy kids--and your dog.

Fred (stressed about unrelated personal matters): Yeah well fuck you too, pal.

[scott crisp @scottcrispson]

Look I consider myself a pretty liberated type of man, let your freak flag fly and all that, but major league baseball umpires with visible arm tattoos should be put in jail or at least conscripted into the army for a few years.

[ArtButMakeItSports @ArtButSports]

Clown, by Georges Rouault, 1912

[scott crisp @scottcrispson]

@dallasmavs Fuck you