scottmonsees

Badass Software Engineer, Gifted Life Hacker, Awesome All-around Person

[scottmonsees @scottmonsees]

I was there and saw Mitch's transformation. I saw similar, tet different, results in my marriage as well.

If you are a nice husband but struggling with your relationship with your wife, I highly encourage you to contact Giff.

[Giff Lasta @GiffLasta]

HOW A DEAD BEDROOM REVIVED IN SEVEN DAYS

I’ve never seen a guy go from dead bedroom despair to living the sexual dream this quickly. But Mitch’s story sets a new record.

A couple of months ago, I had my first conversation with him. They hadn’t had sex in months. Nothing he did was ever good enough. One time he replaced the roof of his entire house, and all she did was find one thing he could have done better.

I didn’t think it sounded hopeless, but Mitch held out no possibility for better sex. He just wanted to take the Reforged Marriage course to improve his life while staying for the kids. So he joined the Spring cohort.

The pivotal week started with a predictable pattern. His wife had been nagging him to replace a sink drain. On Saturday, he bought the part, came home, and then saw he’d gotten the wrong color. He moved forward with the install hoping she wouldn’t notice.

She noticed, “Why can’t you ever do anything right?”

In the coursework, we emphasize having higher standards for yourself than your wife does for you. Crucially, that does NOT mean doing exactly what she wants—they have to be YOUR standards, not hers. But initiative is how you break free from nagging.

And so on Sunday, instead of waiting for her to hassle him a few more times about getting the right drain part (his modus operandi), Mitch just did it.

He started taking initiative in other ways as well.

The next day, she sarcastically commented that she’d probably have to plan out her own birthday later that week. He said “actually I’ve got a full plan already—you had said you wanted to plan it, but you don’t have to.” She paused. She had forgotten her earlier decision to plan it, but now liked the idea of letting him lead.

In the course, we warn guys that taking initiative will disrupt the status quo. They need to expect her to push back, and be ready to cheerfully and confidently hold frame.

One of the field exercises was to engage in a house project that wasn’t a “honey do” project. So on Tuesday, Mitch moved his home office to a new room, because he liked the window better. When his wife saw him switching things up, she dismissively said, “I can’t even deal with this,” and left the room. Mitch simply carried on.

On Wednesday, there was an argument about a trip to Boston for work. He wanted her to join him, she didn’t want to go. After offering to take her on a ferry to Martha’s Vineyard (a place she’d always wanted to visit), she accused him of strong-arming her.

Unlike so many arguments before, Mitch stayed calm. He said, “Looks like I won’t convince you that I’m just excited to have you with me, and that I really want to see your face when we walk by the ocean together. We can talk about this later.” He left it at that.

Then came Thursday. His wife had tried to get a refund for a bad garden hose, and the store attendant had given her a hard time about it. When he found out, he reached out, and gave her a hug.

She collapsed into his arms.

He just stood there, and she wouldn’t let him go. He made a joke about it, and she still clung to him. Just a few days of showing some spine, and she felt like she could let go of the burden of holding everything together. She hadn’t hugged him like that in years.

On Friday, she criticized his decision about a lawn care service. He stayed unbothered, and everything was fine. That evening, they played Settlers of Catan with the kids. She asked him what color he wanted to be. He started to say “it doesn’t matter,” and then caught himself being indecisive and putting the decision on her. “Blue,” he confidently said.

Then came Saturday. The birthday plans involved dropping the kids off at her parents’ house while they played tennis, and then finally having dinner with her family. But she felt tired and went up for a nap. Rather than asking her (like he would have before), Mitch just made the call and dropped off the kids at Grandma’s anyway. He came home and she told him she couldn’t sleep. He replied, “well, I could use a nap.” His wife cuddled up next to him (as she hadn’t in a good while) and they both slept.

Mitch woke up. He wanted sex. In the past he’d carefully rub her back and test the waters to be absolutely sure she was up for it before being overtly sexual. But in the course we teach guys to be decisive, while also embracing rejection. So he prepared himself. “This week has been great. If nothing else happens, I’m already OK.” And then he turned her over, gave her a big sexy kiss, pulled back while she wanted more, and said, “let’s grab a drink before we meet them all for dinner.”

“Or we could just take a shower,” she replied.

And so they had sex, for the first time in months. On the way to her parents’, she talked about making his home office nicer—the same office she had been annoyed about. She gushed about having such a capable husband. “My friend was bragging about her man, how all she has to do is make him a list. But you don’t even need that—you just do things!”

It had been only a week. It felt like a lifetime.

As the course continued, Mitch reached even greater heights. He started taking the lead in the bedroom the same way he had outside—telling her what to do, moving her into position, which paradoxically made her feel freer to express what she wanted. “That’s the most fun I’ve ever had during sex,” she said, beaming at him.

As I said, I’ve never seen a woman jump on a man’s changes so quickly. Most wives take longer. But the journey often has this same shape: from rolling her eyes in contempt for him, to her eyes rolling back in her head as he takes her.

I get a lot of flak for my optimism. Guys scoff, “Giff thinks women have no agency—that a man turning himself around will magically transform any shrew into a feminine delight.”

I’ll admit that there are some marriages beyond saving. But Mitch thought HIS marriage was beyond saving—and love and sex came back in a week!

So to the skeptical husbands out there, I offer you a Pascal’s Wager:

What do you have to lose by giving this a serious try?

And what do you have to lose by staying in despair?

I can’t guarantee outcomes. But I can guarantee you’ll like the man you’ll become. And the odds are STRONGLY in your favor that she will too.

[AKIRA THE DON @akirathedon]

That reminds me, LOW SELF ESTEEM IS LIKE A VIRUS, from the Basket Case Theory album, was inspired by Tom Petty, and at that point I had no idea Scott Adams once looked like Petty's stunt double!

[Sahil Bloom @SahilBloom]

Your entire life will change when you stop assuming people know how you feel about them. Tell your friends you’re proud of them. Text your parents you love them. Compliment your coworkers. Say the kind thing while you still have the chance. It’s something you’ll never regret.

[Nornal Guy 🧙‍♂️ @theralkia]

You can meditate all you want, but if you’re not actually willing to surrender the identities, stories, and limitations you cling to, nothing changes

Time on the path means very little; some people spend decades meditating while becoming increasingly psychotic, disembodied, and reactive to triggers

[Concerned Citizen @BGatesIsaPyscho]

🚨🇺🇸 Meanwhile in Nebraska

“I hope you guys can see this, but that is all ticks”

Holy crap - step out into the Countryside in this State and never eat Meat & Dairy again.

[David Senra @davidsenra]

The mind is a powerful place and what you feed it can affect you in a powerful way

How @tobi got over his fear of public speaking:

“I  was terrified of public speaking until I sat down for like a week and every day I spent ten minutes just writing that I like public speaking.”

“ If you tell yourself or write something down 100 times about yourself, that writes it into the prefrontal cortex at such a deep level that your brain will start reconciling you to that.”

“It’s not a placebo. You actively change your prefrontal cortex.”

[AKIRA THE DON @akirathedon]

A friend of mine finally read Scott Adams' How To Fail At Everything... last week after a decade of me telling him to and he's all like, "who this is life changing, I have oragnized my whole life into systems and I am already doing way better than I was last week."

[Alex 👽 @AlexesNakamoto]

People are overthinking the 32 BTC sale.

“Why sell?”
“Why not just buy less next week?”
“Is this bearish?”

Michael @saylor already explained the logic:

• If Bitcoin can’t be sold, critics say it has no value.
• If it has no value, the balance sheet value is zero.
• If the balance sheet value is zero, credit rating agencies ignore it.
• So you sell a tiny appreciated portion to prove Bitcoin is liquid, valuable, and real.

[scottmonsees @scottmonsees]

@GiffLasta Thank you for your testimony of the Holy Spirit literally shaking you to disrupt your patterns and find a better more beautiful way to live. Your ministry has touched me and made me a stronger man.

Scott from KC

Also, it seems like you have a super power that when ever you need a boost from Source, you can take a far away trip.

[Giff Lasta @GiffLasta]

I’m writing this post on a flight over the Atlantic, terrified that I’m going to die.

Don’t worry—I’m not in any actual danger. I just have an irrational fear of airplane turbulence.

It wasn’t always this way. Growing up, I loved flying and wasn’t scared at all if the plane shook. And then later in life my family spent seven years living in Asia—with long flights being part of life. But somewhere along the way, for no good reason, I developed a full-on phobia.

When the plane starts shaking even a little, I feel a sense of dread. When a bigger bump hits, my body goes into panic mode.

Rational argument is useless. No matter how much I assure myself that turbulence doesn’t mean the plane is in danger, my body feels like it’s facing imminent death. Telling myself that there’s not a thing I can do about it falls emotionally flat.

Distraction does nothing. Trying to focus on a book or movie only makes my primal mind scream all the louder. Like the disciples in the storm with Jesus, it yells, “don’t you care that we’re about to die?”

Seeing one of my boys sitting next to me carefree and unbothered only adds extra shame to my problems. My rational mind says, “you’ll make him nervous when you’re his father who should be reassuring him—stop feeling this dread and hold yourself together!” My primal mind agrees that it sucks to be a bad father in addition to facing imminent death, but the fear isn’t going anywhere.

In the past, prayer hasn’t exactly helped, though it’s long been my practice (with nothing better to do.) I pray the Lord’s Prayer quietly at takeoff, do a status report on any unaddressed sins, and make sure my soul feels right with God. And I beg him to keep the plane safe and to calm me down and help me stop being such a basketcase. For all that, I remain tense and miserable.

And then, somewhere along the way, I started doing something that worked. And I’m sharing it with y’all because it’s a lesson in leadership.

I accept the emotional narrative: Today, I am going to die.

Don’t get me wrong, my rationality knows I’m totally safe. But it accepts that my feelings aren’t going to change, and agrees to work the problem under those terms. My time is up. No further work will be done on any of my life’s projects. None of the problems I want to solve will be solved. No new experiences or accomplishments will be added to what has already been done. Whoever needs me will have to make do without me. My life is being required of me. What now?

I hold my hands, palms up, and relax into God. At one point, my life didn’t exist. He is my source, and now he’s taking me back to himself. I trust that my faith is right about forgiveness and the resurrection of the body, but I can’t know for sure. Maybe I’m about to find out, or maybe not. But I choose to open myself to God, and present my life to him, and let that be enough.

And in that moment, I give thanks. For every moment of joy. For every trial I’ve had. For the good times and the bad. For the privilege of having been a conscious being on this planet. For having been a man who has walked with God. As the airplane shakes, and I anticipate the screams as we are torn apart and plummet into the ocean, my soul is filled with gratitude and peace.

Into your hands, oh Lord, I commend my spirit
For you have redeemed me, oh Lord, oh God of truth
Keep me, oh Lord, as the apple of your eye
Hide me under the shadow of your wings

And then the turbulence subsides, and I’m a sane passenger on a routine flight again.

I’m also a man with a new lease on life.

What does this have to do with leadership? We often assume our rationality knows what we need, and our emotionality just causes problems. We try to overrule our emotions with willpower. But that has limits. At the end of the day, our primal aspect is stronger than our rational aspect. We can only repress it so much.

So what if, instead of trying to control, we lead? When we assume that this primal aspect is given to us to shepherd, and even the troublesome aspects have value that we don’t want to miss out on, new possibilities open up.

Curiosity is a leadership superpower. Whether it's dealing with unwelcome feelings that are disrupting your status quo, responding to your wife’s emotions when she’s not acting the way you’d like, or dealing with a troubling team member at work, something magic happens when you assume “I’m not getting what I want, I’m getting something better” and get curious of how that might be true.

In my case with flying, I don’t get relaxed flights (what I want)---I get fresh encounters with God (something better). Every one is a chance to take true stock of my life, renew my faith, and arrive at his peace. It’s intense. Part of me would prefer to be able to be more chill. But I accept these near death experiences as good and commit myself to getting the most out of them.

Glory to God for all things.

[Giff Lasta @GiffLasta]

CAN SHE REPLACE PORN?

Trying to quit porn early in my marriage, sexual rejection hit me like nothing else. I’d lie there burning with cravings, unable to sleep, while she was “not in the mood.”

Many Christian husbands feel trapped. They want to reject the sham of porn and masturbation for the real thing—passionate sex with their wives. And yet the sex is lackluster, when it even happens. Seems like she holds joy just out of reach.

Rollo Tomassi famously quipped, “porn has saved more marriages than it ever destroyed”—meaning it makes quiet desperation tolerable. Some go further and say that frigid wives CAUSE porn addiction. If she’d just throw herself at him, he’d never even be tempted.

Fifteen years into my marriage, my wife found evidence I was looking at porn again. She came to me in tears.

“Our friends are trying to save their marriage after infidelity—they are at absolute rock bottom. Can this please be our rock bottom? Can now be when it gets better?”

My heart was stone cold. I wasn’t convicted; I was annoyed at her for poking around and making a big deal. As far as I was concerned, the ball was in her court, because I had tried everything.

And that’s when I stumbled upon @MarkQueppet.

His approach was brand new to me. He saw quitting porn as the rite of passage of the modern man—a way of taking total charge of your masculine power. And it required a 3-month sexual fast, to “reboot” your sex drive to factory defaults.

No porn. No masturbation. No sex. Nothing.

To me, that sounded impossible. I’d used sexual release to self-soothe my entire adult life.

But Mark’s goal was something he called “sexual self-mastery”—the ability to hold and channel your sexual drive at will, so it fills you with zeal rather than lack.

That 90-day journey was the toughest thing I’ve ever done. Sleepless nights. Agonizing mood swings. Painful urges. Motivational flatlines. Yet by day 45 something shifted. My mind stopped linking arousal to “need” and started linking it to “power.”

By the end, every time I felt an urge, I would take a deep breath and feel not frustrated, but charged for action. I’d pound the pavement on a run or swing my heavy maul and split logs open. Any intentional task with that sexual energy hot in my system felt like making love to life.

The last few weeks of the fast, I was excited to reunite with my wife, but I wasn’t desperate. Life was good. I felt better than I had in years.

When we came back together, the difference was night and day. Approaching her as a man with power and outcome independence made her body come alive. And every time I slipped back into needy little-boy energy, she’d recoil.

All these years I had been blaming her, and her body was simply mirroring my own lack.

She could force herself to have sex with me, but she couldn’t make her body WANT to have sex with me. Great sex depended on getting in the headspace of “that guy” that I was in the later days of the fast.

In the eight years since, I’ve coached almost a hundred men in dead bedrooms. They all want the “trick” to spark their wife’s desire. The ones who succeed are the ones who fall in love with sucking the marrow out of life. They bring a sexy, fearless vibe to everything they do—flirting shamelessly, taking sexual risks, and taking their wives far beyond old boundaries. But they themselves will pivot to Netflixing and chilling if she’s not feeling it that night, because they’d never settle for obligation sex. And the chemistry gets hotter year after year.

My assistant coach Chad says, “if I could bottle up and sell ‘outcome independence,’ I’d make millions.” That’s what gets results.

And so when guys tell me that their dead bedrooms are why they look at porn, I know where they’re coming from. But it’s all lies. No amount of pity sex is ever going to satisfy you. No one else is going to fix this for you. Blaming her might feel good to blow off some steam—it just won’t do a damn thing for you. Complaining to her to fix her desire gets you nowhere.

One thing people often miss in the Bible’s story of the snake tempting Eve, is that Adam “was with her” the whole time. And we men echo the silence of Adam, every time we shrug our shoulders and blame “the woman you gave me.” None of his excuses got him anything.

Compare that with Christ, the “second Adam,” and his ethos of extreme ownership. He took all of his bride’s sins upon himself. Taking all responsibility gained him all authority. He called her to obedience from a position of strength, having already paved the way himself. And though her faults are many, the ultimate legacy of the Church is glory and triumph.

I get that men are sick of being blamed for everything. It feels like the women always get a pass. There are things (like physical fitness) that she can do on her end. But you’ll only have the on-the-ground authority to lead her there if you’ve built yourself into a sexy, dominant presence that commands respect.

Take ownership of it all. Because the replacement for porn was never your wife—it was your own manhood. The apex version of yourself (who gets the sex you want) is already satisfied. The sexual outcomes flow naturally from the way he lives on the frontlines of his life each day.

So no—she can’t replace porn. But the man you become when you stop hiding behind porn won’t even miss it. And she may discover desire she never knew she had.

[scottmonsees @scottmonsees]

@ParkHillSchools @WhatsUpSouth
Thank you for the honor of serving you for the past 9 years. It has been my pleasure..

Scott Monsees

[Trey & Lea's Stronger Marriages @StrongMarriage5]

If your spouse has a higher sex drive than you, make sure you see that desire for you as a GOOD thing and not a nuisance.

To be desired by someone is a beautiful thing.

Consider how you would feel if they were never interested in you sexually at all .... and what that might indicate.

~Lea

[Path of Men @PathOfMen_]

all you have to do to become the person you want to be is mimic your idea of that person.

[Kitchen Marm @quachelsey]

At 36, I can say that the general public will treat you 4x better if you wear mascara and lip color. Just the way it is. Easy effort and big payoff.

[BONESAW 🕊️ @BonesawMD]

One of the worst things you can do to your psyche is engage in prolonged conversation with a chronic worrier or perpetual victim of circumstance.

Notice how these are always the types most desperate to interact with you, they will ensure you do not stray too far away.

[苏若冉 @Srran888]

下次给小朋友就这么切橙子~

[Trey & Lea's Stronger Marriages @StrongMarriage5]

You don't need a new partner, you need a new pattern.

Here are 5 habits that can resurrect a marriage in 30 days if you and your spouse will both be all in.

1) Have more fun together:
Joy isn’t a luxury. It’s a lubricant for repair. When you laugh, adventure, flirt, and create shared micro-moments, you’re telling the body: “We’re on the same team.” So go for a walk in the park, play a game, go on a date, but find some time to have some fun.

2) Give daily praise:
Compliment your spouse everyday. Make sure they know you appreciate them. Your praise is motivation and a spouse that feels praised will always do more.

3) Make eye contact whenever you talk:
No “drive-by” communication. No speaking into a phone while she reaches for you. Eyes are the windows to the soul. For many women, eye contact is emotional nourishment - oxytocin rises, defenses soften, connection returns.

4) ABT: Always Be Touching:
A hand on her back as you pass. A knee against his under the table. Hold her hand in the car. A long hug at the doorway when he gets home. Be sexually intimate as often as possible. Men often feel love through touch first; women often feel touch through love first. Either way, touch is the bridge. Touch a lot.

5) Go to bed earlier and together:
Not to scroll. Not to “catch up on notifications,” but to reclaim time for five to ten minutes conversation, quiet closeness, and praying together. Let the day end with union, not distance.

Do this daily for 30 days and watch what returns.
Consistency beats intensity.

Try this today:

* Eye contact while they talk
* 1 honest appreciation each
* Lots of touch
* 1 long hug
* Go to bed together

[Giff Lasta @GiffLasta]

Frustrations are just desires in another form. An excerpt from THE WAY OF MEN WITH MAIDS:

Say you’re upset and at the end of your rope. Instead of trying to fight these feelings, let them out. Get by yourself, yell at God if you have to, and pull out a journal. Don’t censor your primal mind at all. If you feel like he’s holding back, actually try to rile yourself up. You’ll end up with something like this:

“I hate my life! Nothing’s going my way. No matter what I do, I’m failing. I’m behind in my classes. That jerk guy made me look bad in front of that girl I’m interested in. I’m a total idiot, and I’ll never amount to anything.”

Now, think of the way you are tempted to respond to your primal mind. Maybe something like this:

“Don’t say that, man—we love our life! There are tons of things to be thankful for. We’ll succeed if we try. Our class situation isn’t that bad. And hey, it doesn’t matter what that jerk thinks. We’ll find a girl eventually. We’re smart, and I just know everything will work out in the end!”

Don’t do this. Your primal mind isn’t fooled by platitudes. He’ll just feel like you are sidelining his concerns and that you don’t have his best interests at heart. Shutting someone down is bad leadership.

Instead, go in the complete opposite direction. What are the core desires hidden in this primal scream? Here’s where curiosity is a superpower. Assume that there’s a vital truth you don’t know hidden in your own pain. What might you discover? Get a journal out, and break it down.

I hate my life → I want to love my life

Nothing’s going my way → I want to masterfully handle my life

I’m always failing → I want to optimize my effort for success

I’m behind on my classes → I want to crush my classes

I looked bad → I want to present myself well socially

I’m an idiot and a failure → I want to be wise and successful

These are the goals and desires within your own dignified frame! Notice how shifting from status anxiety (eg. “I’m in pain because I’m worthless”) to dignity (eg. “I want to show my worth so much it hurts”) didn’t change what the desire itself was, it changed the narrative around the desire. Primal spoke in the unhinged language of bitterness and frustration, but when translated, he’s actually trying to reorient you toward true north.

Relax. Get rooted in your own dignity. Remember, status matters, but your dignity doesn’t depend on it. Cut the emotional puppet strings between your sense of worth and your circumstances. Now find one area you want to improve on, and set a goal that depends only on you. And then let loose all of that primal frustration toward meeting that attainable goal, for example:

“Hey man, I get that this hurts. I’m not abandoning you or trying to shut you up. What do you say we go for a run to the park, pick one class, and do a study block for it there. Just you and me. Every other concern we’ll sacrifice, and just focus on this together. You got that in you?”

You just led yourself. You listened. You got curious. You found the good desires. You reinforced your own frame. And, instead of repressing your virility, you gave yourself something to do with that energy. Not only that, but you built trust with your primal mind. He will resist your leadership less in the future.

[Giff Lasta @GiffLasta]

@abbythelibb_ How about, “I’m sorry about my angry words. I’d love to talk some time about what I’m longing to see between us.”

Frustrations can be reframed positively into desires.