scriptfighter

Improv nerd! Lvl 24
comedy is my lifeblood, and blood is my blood blood.

[Andres @Andvanant]

Guess who wrote this headline? I'll give you a hint, me :)

[Andres @Andvanant]

I do my best work when blinded by rage

[Reductress @Reductress]

DUDE CORNER: Any Room at Girl Dinner for This Male Feminist?: https://t.co/erP8lo4OCx

[Andres @Andvanant]

Not built for hard labor. I have the hands of a Victorian girl locked away in a tower

[Andres @Andvanant]

Same @ as here.

[Andres @Andvanant]

Look, the options were: get a therapist, or start a podcast. And therapy's expensive. That's why Better Help makes it easy to... (1/76)

[Andres @Andvanant]

Yeah, I'm anti-woke. (sleepy all the time)

[Andres @Andvanant]

Have to be chill today. Not my choice. Court-ordered.

[Andres @Andvanant]

Some unhinged man executed someone yesterday via chokehold and all the newspapers are framing it like: Homeless Man Found Dead In Marine's Arms

[Andres @Andvanant]

A group of white men is called a Podcast

[Andres @Andvanant]

Oh, im needy? Yeah, needeep in PUSSY

[Andres @Andvanant]

When the group instructor says 'good job' they're referring to me

[Andres @Andvanant]

If someone you meet says they have a zest for life get ready to get love bombed

[Andres @Andvanant]

Ashwagandha be kidding me

[Andres @Andvanant]

I would be the worst person to travel back in time. If I got transported to the 1950's I'd say: "we have this thing called wifi" and they'd ask "what's wifi" and I'd just be like "I have no idea"

[Andres @Andvanant]

Why aren't I losing weight if I've cut my daily hot dog intake by half?

[Andres @Andvanant]

*takes long drag of cigarette at the ceremony*:
"I do I guess."

[Andres @Andvanant]

Please get this woman to Zelensky 🙏

[Andres @Andvanant]

Breaking the glass ceiling? This woman fell through the roof

[Andres @Andvanant]

Wow. I finally got famous on twitter. And you know what? Everything changed. I feel happier, my skin cleared up, my lawyer called, they said the charges got dropped. I told him to counter sue and he didn't mimic my voice like usual. He just said 'yes, sir.' Life is good :)