Emily

just here to cause chaos and talk about goats and sled dogs

[Ron Iver @ronnui_]

Amanda Seyfried might- in addition to her Emmy for portraying Elizabeth Holmes- win an Oscar for portraying Elizabeth Holmes. That means she'll only need to win a Tony for Theranos: The Musical and a Grammy for Diagnose My Heart (feat Pitbull) to get the EEGOT (Elizabeth EGOT)

[Polling USA @USA_Polling]

Runner up for badly worded tweets

[Pastrami Mommy @ewelannawhite]

just found a pilates studio that does cat socialization and adoption and look at their class schedule i'm crying

[phart @amazignphart]

Ned Fulmer failing to realize he’s still way more hated than h3 because everyone actually felt bad for his wife

[Ali B @wtflanksteak]

.....................orange and black???? i feel like those have been the colors for a long time.

[𝕮𝖍𝖊𝖗𝖗𝖞 ⚰️ @bisexualjimkirk]

the SNL writers are probably so overwhelmed rn

[Jamie @spacej_me]

I thought I would try unexpectedly mashing my face into my kittens face to see how HE likes it and he fuckin loved it. He mashed back even harder.

[easy e @eatpraydiehard]

when i ask 3yo not to say “shut up” he says “well the shut up man is coming tomorrow and going to say shut up to you”. kind of difficult to respond to that. if i ask who the shut up man is, he says “oh you don’t know???” and laughs at me. feels like bullying

[i’m just Ben @ItsRainingBen]

Omg they are 100% going to have an episode called Gleeted Rivalry

[. @Omgemeraldddd]

How do hotel workers know if you’re actually a hotel guest when you walk into the breakfast buffet? No one has ever checked my room number. What’s stopping someone from walking in, eating three plates of eggs, bacon and pancakes, then casually walking out?

[Spooky Amber Nicole 🎃🖤 @ambular_93]

Not to brag but I’m not scared of ANY American Girl dolls

[𝔏𝔢𝔫𝔞 🎀 @chillariclinton]

yall better be up for all 13 hours watching the kornacki cam

[🪔𝐅𝐚𝐢𝐭𝐡𝐋𝐢𝐤𝐞𝐀𝐛𝐢𝐬𝐡🎃 @FaithLikeAbish2]

Husband is sleeping next to me. Has been for over an hour.

I look at him and think "he's so cute... he is the most handsome cutest th-" and he OPENS HIS EYES. We startled each other.

I said "sorry! I just looked at you"

He mumbled "I heard your brain" and rolled over. Still asleep.

The sealing ordinance comes with telepathy. That poor man has to listen to me yap when he's awake AND asleep.

[charlotte is seeing ashe 🦢🪩 @mirrorballmais]

how are they gonna reboot a show that had a kid turn to god after making a grilled cheese that resembled jesus christ, and then used said grilled cheese as a genie to grant wishes so he could touch his girlfriends boobs instead of saving his friends dads life…?

[anna 🌊 @hauntingnellie]

this being real footage from a bbc one doc and not ai is making me so happy

[Dr. Alex Zawacki @achillghost]

Unfortunately this was me when i was trying to mail a horse skull I found across international borders

[Sprout 🍎COMMISSIONS OPEN🍎 @Sproutman925]

You’re laughing. Rachel berry is going to get cancelled from broadway for using grok gpt and be forced to go back to Lima Ohio to judge the katseye mashup competition. And when she walks into McKinley she’s going to get a matcha latte thrown in her face. And you’re laughing.

[el ミ☆ 🌷 @seijohmoon]

i love julia so much, but HOW has she not done a competitive latin dance yet? we are going into week 7. #DWTS

[😱👻😱barbara johnson SCREAM account 😱👻😱 @eleanoir]

Generally speaking you should teach children that they should never keep a secret for grownups with secret snacks being the single exception. I did this when I was a nanny and I still do it as a mom

[Lucas 🦇 @vlucasrocha]

eu tô encantado com a diferença de expressão desse cachorro antes e depois de ser adotado