Jams 🎉👽

i hated twitter before anyone else did

[✵ @nxymll]

This is what they do to you when you become vulnerable and open up btw

[Bitzel @BitzelYT]

elon musk should walk around in public more often. get his mind off things ,

[Integrity Guy @Integrity_Freak]

No ma’am, I don’t have a boarding pass. I’m simply here to enjoy the world famous dining and nightlife at O’Hare International Airport

[mao 🇦🇺 @freemaowtf]

what does that fat fuck even need a trillion dollars for

[🧸e @mygirlystuff2]

If I ate a single 1 billion calorie cracker, how fast would I get fat

[Dr. Robert King @kingbtc]

me: "fuck yeah it finally came"

her: "what did you ord-"

[pablo @paulderokha]

at the park and thinking we need to talk more about how inconsiderate families with young children are to weed smokers

[𝓓𝓸𝓬_𝔃𝓮𝓮 ✧ @doc_zee7]

Me refusing to sleep because i didn't get enough time to feel like human after work

[outfit repeater @bat_faced]

The 27 packets of diablo taco bell sauce got the landlord special this is my 9/11

[Jamie Bonkiewicz @JamieBonkiewicz]

What time is the fake assassination attempt tonight?

[TJ @amazingatheist]

"WHAT IF YOU HAD BEEN ABORTED?"

Then I wouldn't exist and wouldn't care.

[Boots, 'with the fur' @afraidofwasps]

Have $40,000 on a 4-way parlay involving the Knicks winning game 2 that unfortunately also requires Scary Movie 6 to become "certified fresh" on rotten tomatoes by tomorrow morning

[Ricky Hollywood @victim_burn77]

We should call incels the unpussied like when we changed the name for the homeless

[conor shack @ConorShack]

i think about this img a lot

[Softboy @softboywin]

I think smartphones are ruining our lives but also if I had to go to the airport in 1998 with just my wits & a subway map I’d kill myself

[jörg shidmann @tranz_schubert]

I paid $10 to get my tarot read and the first card she pulled was a photorealistic image of me getting exploded in front of my house by an oncoming bus

[Drew Beringer @drewberinger]

Imagine being told in 1998 “yah weezer will release 18 more albums”

[chris @justin_womble]

I asked my server at chilis for an itemized receipt and my bill dropped 30%