Señor Winces

My life coach advised me to run out the clock.

[Señor Winces @senorwinces]

Turned down some guaranteed sex tonight. That was a subtle masturbation joke.

[Señor Winces @senorwinces]

@EddieAlfano I was hoping it would be the last tweet ever and I could sell an nft of it for some cryptocurrency.

[Señor Winces @senorwinces]

And for my next act, watch me crash a SpaceX rocket into a Tesla.

[Señor Winces @senorwinces]

Note to self - Save time by whacking off in the confessional booth

[Señor Winces @senorwinces]

My friends keep arguing for a trip to Amsterdam. I keep arguing that we can just as easily get weed and hookers right here in Brooklyn.

[Señor Winces @senorwinces]

Ever get unfollowed by someone you couldn't wait to unfollow back?

[Señor Winces @senorwinces]

Local grocery store shelves are bare. Prepared to kill and eat my neighbors if need be. Looking at you, Stephanie.#blizzardof2015

[Señor Winces @senorwinces]

t's funny how as a kid you can't wait to be an adult and as an adult you can't wait for the sweet release that death will bring.

[Señor Winces @senorwinces]

."Sorry I haven't been tweeting much lately" is a the most unnecessary apology ever.

[Señor Winces @senorwinces]

Great. Now all the hipsters in Williamsburg get to brag about how they got Ebola before everyone else.

[Señor Winces @senorwinces]

My only problem with Boardwalk Empire is the prosthetic teeth they stuck into the actors playing young Nucky.

[Señor Winces @senorwinces]

Deleted Instagram. It's just easier to look down at my cat or up at the sky.

[Señor Winces @senorwinces]

Told my neighbor to get back on the horse after he failed at quitting heroin.

[Señor Winces @senorwinces]

I'm old enough to remember when people paid for U2 albums instead of googling how to delete them off the new iPhone.

[Señor Winces @senorwinces]

To be fair, 95% of NFL players don't beat their loved ones unmercifully.

[Señor Winces @senorwinces]

No one looked good in the 70's except for Farrah Fawcett in that one poster.

[Señor Winces @senorwinces]

"My band used to open up for Rage Against the Machine but I don't think they liked us".
"Really, what's your band's name?"
"The Machine"

[Señor Winces @senorwinces]

My Better Than Ezra cover band is better than Better Than Ezra.