Shaun Major

A wader in the shallows of life, iPod addict, gold gloveman & lazy writer imprisoned in his booked study or dog kennel office.

[Adam Karpiak @Adam_Karpiak]

Honest Cover Letter:

I’m interested in this job because it’s available. I feel I’m a match because I, too, am available.

You also list a “competitive salary,” which aligns with my passion for food and shelter.

I look forward to discussing this further with your AI screener.

[IT Unprofessional @it_unprofession]

Our HR department just migrated all our mandatory compliance training to a new gamified learning management system.

I received an automated email stating I had 48 hours to complete a module on data privacy or my badge would be deactivated.

I logged into the portal and was greeted by a cartoon badger named Barnaby.

Barnaby told me I was about to embark on a security quest.

I'm 44 years old.

I don't want to go on a quest.

The first module was a video about phishing scams produced like a high-budget daytime soap opera.

The actors were inappropriately attractive for a simulated accounts payable department.

The main character, Chad, left his laptop open at a coffee shop while he ordered a matcha latte.

A guy in a black hoodie immediately sat down and downloaded the entire corporate mainframe to a USB drive in four seconds.

Then the video paused and asked me to identify Chad's critical mistake.

The multiple choice options were leaving the device unsecured, using public Wi-Fi, or failing to foster a culture of vigilance.

I clicked the first one.

Barnaby the badger popped up and told me I was technically correct, but I lacked a holistic security mindset.

He deducted 10 "synergy tokens" from my digital wallet.

I didn't even know I had a digital wallet.

The next scenario involved a complex ethical dilemma about accepting gifts from vendors.

A supplier offered the protagonist a branded corporate fleece.

The video framed this as the first step toward international corporate espionage.

I was asked if accepting the fleece was a violation of the anti-bribery statutes.

I clicked yes.

Barnaby congratulated me and awarded me a bronze digital badge of integrity.

I tried to fast-forward through the next video because it was 45 minutes long.

The player immediately froze and a warning message appeared saying Barnaby notices you are rushing.

The video restarted from the very beginning.

I sat there for 45 minutes watching a dramatization of password hygiene while staring blankly at my monitor.

At the end of the quest, I had to take a 50-question final exam.

One question asked how long a visitor badge is valid under the new global security matrix.

I guessed 24 hours.

Barnaby appeared with a sad face and told me it was 12 hours.

I failed the module with an 84 percent.

The passing grade was 85 percent.

Barnaby informed me that my quest must start over.

I considered throwing my company-issued laptop out the window.

Instead, I sent an email to HR asking for an extension.

I got an automated reply saying the HR representative was out of the office on a corporate wellness retreat.

I clicked replay on the video.

Chad is about to leave his laptop at the coffee shop again.

This time I hope the hacker deletes my employee profile entirely.

[scha·den·freu·de  @BlisterPearl]

"Trickle down economics doesn't work, so let's try piñata economics. That's the one where we beat the billionaires until the hoarded wealth falls out."

[IT Unprofessional @it_unprofession]

Our VP of Operations decided the team was feeling disconnected, so she booked a mandatory offsite retreat.

We were told to wear comfortable clothing and prepare for deep vulnerability.

That's the most terrifying sentence you can read in a corporate email.

We drove two hours to a conference center that looked like a repurposed summer camp from the 80s.

First on the agenda was a trust exercise facilitated by an external consultant named River who wasn't wearing shoes.

River told us to pair up and stare into our partner's eyes for 3 uninterrupted minutes.

I was paired with Dave from accounting.

Dave has a slight lazy eye, so I wasn't entirely sure which pupil I was supposed to be spiritually connecting with.

We just stood there in agonizing silence while I mentally calculated my remaining PTO days.

After the staring contest, we had a whiteboard session to redefine our departmental synergy.

We spent two hours debating the difference between a mission statement and a vision statement.

Nobody actually knows the difference.

It's all just a linguistic word salad used to justify executive salaries.

We finally agreed on the phrase "Empowering scalable solutions through agile collaboration."

That means absolutely nothing.

It's a sentence constructed entirely out of LinkedIn buzzwords generated by a panicked committee.

For lunch, we were served individually wrapped artisan sandwiches that tasted like damp cardboard.

The afternoon activity was a simulated survival scenario.

We had to pretend our plane crashed in the tundra and rank 15 items by their survival importance.

Our marketing director insisted the magnetic compass was more important than the waterproof matches.

I tried to explain that knowing we're freezing to death facing due north doesn't actually help us survive.

She accused me of not having a growth mindset.

I agreed to rank the compass first just to end the conversation so I could sit down.

We theoretically froze to death in 20 minutes.

River clapped his hands and said our collective failure was actually a beautiful triumph in conflict resolution.

We finished the day with an acoustic guitar circle where the CEO played Wonderwall.

I'm updating my resume tomorrow morning.

[🇨🇭🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿InLucysHead🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🇨🇭© @InsideLucysHead]

One Ukrainian Jew to another:

"Would you share this imported bottle of Scotch with me?"

The other: "Of course I would. But we barely have money for food. Where did you get Scotch?"

First: "I traded some Russian caviar for it."

Second: "But how did you get Russian caviar?"

First: "I traded some calamari to them for it."

Second: "But we're hundreds of kilometers from the nearest ocean, and it doesn't have squid."

First: "No, but it was a good month for circumcisions and Russian soldiers don't know the difference."

[Greg Bagwell @gregbagwell]

I think we did less damage when we burned it down in 1814…

[Lumi @Lumivibes_]

stop using chatgpt. you guys need to just ask reddit, i promise you someone has had the exact same thought back in 2012

[Dow @mark_dow]

Trump has won this war 7 times.

He’s negotiated a peace settlement 12 times.

And he’s opened the Strait of Hormuz at least 4 times.

What more do you want from him?

[Mike Carlton @MikeCarlton01]

In a way, I suppose, it’s a good thing Ralph Babet is in the Senate. Otherwise Henderson would be the greatest fuckwit there.

[Hillary Clinton @HillaryClinton]

This is what Trump's done to the people's house:

A third of it is rubble.

Another third is a cage match.

What a metaphor.

[Gavin Newsom @GavinNewsom]

This week alone:

DOJ opens an investigation into the woman Trump raped.

The White House is caught steering a $620 million contract to Don Jr.’s firm.

The Pentagon hands out a $10 billion contract after Trump buys stock in the company.

Foreign governments are caught funneling hundreds of millions into a random JPMorgan account tied to Trump’s “Board of Peace” with no oversight.

It’s just Thursday.

The corruption isn’t hidden anymore. It’s happening out in the open.

[evan loves worf @esjesjesj]

You can’t keep saying something is a government conspiracy when you are literally the government

[Mike Carlton @MikeCarlton01]

She just gets better

[Captain Obvious™️ @TheFungi669]

I hate to admit this but Trump was right.

He said that if I vote for Kamala Harris gas prices, groceries prices and my utility bills will go through the roof.

I voted for Harris and my gas, groceries and utility bills have gone through the roof.

[𐌁𐌉Ᏽ 𐌕𐌉𐌌𐌉 @OrevaZSN]

Whoever invents an AI blocker is going to create one of the biggest inventions of our time, and I’m ready to pay for it.

[🔥Reverend Aiden @SweetFnLucifer]

Reports that JD Vance is having 2nd thoughts about running in 2028. Apparently he's "not wanting to own everything that happened the last two years." A little late for that, couch fucker. You'll forever be remembered as Trump's human bidet, a felonious fascist fart muffler.

[‏ً @omgsidewalks]

Please stop. I don’t want an AI summary of my Google search. I don’t want an AI summary of the text message from my friend at work. I don’t want an AI summary of the email I’m about to read. Please just stop.

[Tom Nichols @RadioFreeTom]

As this war stumbles to a close, it is clear that the president is lost: He didn’t know what he was doing when he began it, and now he doesn’t know how to get out of it.
https://t.co/WtiJcw7PUO