Ivan

please do not write mean things about me online

[Amiri King @AmiriKing]

My toddler loves Monsters Inc. especially Mike Wazowski.

Yesterday I was in Walmart and came across this cool t-shirt.

I immediately bought it, put it on in the car, and rushed home to show my toddler.

I hunted her down as soon as I came through the door.

She was sitting on the couch watching Hogi and eating Goldfish crackers.

I said, ‘Libby check out my cool new shirt!’

I was beaming. I just knew she was gonna think my shirt was the coolest shit ever.

She looked at me, looked at my shirt, scoffed, and yelled, ‘GO AWAY!’

Listen.

I don’t think we talk enough about what huge pieces of shit toddlers are.

That’s literally my TV you are watching.
I paid for those Goldfish crackers.
That’s my fucking couch.

I bought this cool t-shirt ONLY because of you.

And this is your response you f#ggot piece of sh!t??

You are wearing a shirt with a turtle on it that says, ‘Turtley Adorable’ you fuck!ng idiot.

You are broke.
Homeless.
Have poor life skills.
You can’t even fucking speak English.

You are basically a Somali immigrant only brighter in complexion and with much less forehead mass.

I’ll wipe my ass with this shirt.

Fuck this shirt.

Bitch nigga.

Your mom is fat.

[m @msnetik]

losing coins to Boo in Mario Party

[jill scott heron🪐 @stillnotziora]

life gon teach you a lesson #soon

[𝚁𝚒𝚌𝚑𝚒𝚎 𝙱𝚞𝚌𝚔𝚎𝚝𝚜 @RichieBucketsUK]

Might legit be the best throw I’ve ever seen from any baseball player ever. Hell it might be the best throw in ANY sport that involves throwing.

[maya @slintpill]

that one cumtown episode:

[Schwibz @schwibz]

coworker just tripped and smashed his coffee mug into the printer and said “that’s baseball”

[Weed Richards @VanFromNY]

Evergreen

[Ivan @shlyvan]

A lot of yall got rid of those Ukraine flags in your bios / usernames real quick btw

[Siraj Hashmi @SirajAHashmi]

Another banger I’m afraid

[jerry @jerryannicole]

who do i even send this to

[talentless female chud @thetrailerqueen]

My nonverbal brother just turned 7

[Ace in Occulation @TradNorm]

That time Jonah Hill's co-star refused to kiss him for a wedding scene so the producers had to cobble together a CGI version of it for the final cut.

Wouldn't happen today, not to Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu Jonah Hill.

[Y'alldabaoth @FadedAfRuatha]

I am going to reduce my drug use by moving to Drug City with my close personal friend Mr. Drugs

[greg @greg16676935420]

Waiting for the community note to pop up because no way this is real

[3DrakaiNa 👻 (G.A.N.G) @3DrakaiNa]

Every time I see this, I gotta share it 😂

[Brooks Otterlake @i_zzzzzz]

I like it. A quick reminder of what it’s all about

[Zac - Immortal @WhosImmortal]

Just financed a door in Zombies, life is good

[Mountain Ğeneral @MountainGenera]

Toronto’s crack smoking mayor