Scrammie

[Scrammie @slammieg]

@MikeStoklasa hey Mike, is your Mr. Plinkett voice inspired by NYC poet/musician Bingo Gazingo, or is that a coincidence?

[Scrammie @slammieg]

@prawn_meat I know this is super old, but I just want to say I love your writing! You remind me so much of Richard Brautigan!

[Scrammie @slammieg]

Hey @neiltyson Terrence Howard wants you to look at his "patents" - can you PLEASE use your powers of pedantry for good and make this happen? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE I've never asked you for anything before https://t.co/1BpcgoZvrI

[Scrammie @slammieg]

:(

[Scrammie @slammieg]

@xxmollywood I'm going to file a class action lawsuit. The People vs All Businesses

[Scrammie @slammieg]

It should actually be against the law for companies to tell you your order has shipped when they just mean they printed the shipping label. I know I have no clout and no one reads this, but how are they allowed to just lie? Maddening.

[Scrammie @slammieg]

Less in a "taking down John Wilkes Booth" way and more in a butterfly effect way where our love would conquer all.

[Scrammie @slammieg]

My most "main character syndrome" trait is the deeply-held belief that, had I been married to Abraham Lincoln, things would not have gone down the way they did.

[Yesterday's Print @yesterdaysprint]

Detroit Free Press, Michigan, June 30, 1940

[Mason Mennenga @masonmennenga]

evangelicals: "you should come to my church, we have cool music and a really positive and uplifting message"

catholics:

[grim @TlDDIES]

you ever get so pissed at work that you start reading your state’s labor laws

[Sean @thepostsofficer]

"Well this is perfect, Jeremy, just perfect. I smoke too good, my bitch is too bad, and I move too different. They're probably going to kill me, for Christ's sake!"

[Scrammie @slammieg]

AS A MOTHER, I can now say with authority that the Old Navy baby section should be re-named Old Baby

[limp brittzkit @Brittymigs]

men are like nooo that’s my emotional support mushy flat yellow stained pillow

[Midwest vs. The Rest @midwestern_ope]

*midwesterners trying to ask for a favor*

Hey could you pick me up this weekend? Absolutely no pressure. Totally okay if you can’t. In fact you can run me over with your car if that pleases you more.

[Lydia Kauppi @lydiakauppi]

This is an actual work of art from Como Zoo

[No Context Brits @NoContextBrits]

Remember your ABC’s.